Newspaper Classified Bloopers

once in a while, it's fun to browse through classified section in newspapers to find funny ads. it's good enough to cheer you up especially after you read about how badly your favourite team lose in the sport section.

Illiterate? Write today for free help.
(man….if only I knew A B C….)

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once; you’ll never go anywhere again.
(sure…thanx for the warning!)

3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
(in months or years?)

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.
(so you can cheat better, huh?)

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
(howwww sweeeet)

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
(wow! A free trip to heaven?)

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
(uh…huh!)

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
(hey….who taught cows the bad habit??)

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
(Tearing by hand is not a good idea as well)

continue...

1 man, 7 woman hot tub -- $850/offer

Amana washer $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed.

Snow blower for sale...only used on snowy days.

Free puppies...part German shepherd part dog

2 wire mesh butchering gloves, 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, pair: $15

Tickle me elmo, still in box, comes with it's own 1988 mustang, 5l, auto, excellent condition $6800

Cows, calves never bred... also 1 gay bull for sale.

'83 Toyota hunchback -- $2000

Star Wars job of the hut -- $15

Free puppies: 1/2 cocker spaniel1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog

Free Yorkshire terrier. 8 years old. unpleasant little dog.

Soft & genital bath tissues or facial tissue89 cents

German shepherd. 85 lbs. neutered. speaks German. free.

Full sized mattress. 20 yr warranty. like new. slight urine smell.

Free 1 can of pork & beans with purchase of 3 br 2 bth home.

For sale: lee majors (6 million dollar man)$50

Nordic track $300hardly used call chubbie

Bill's septic cleaning"we haul American made products"

Shakespeare's pizza free chopsticks

Found: dirty white dog...looks like a rat...been out awhile...better be reward.

Hummels largest selection ever"if it's in stock, we have it!"

Get a little john: the traveling urinal holds 2 1/2 bottles of beer.

Nice parachute never opened used once slightly stained

Free: farm kittens. ready to eat.

American flag60 stars pole included$100

Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? we offer profit sharing and
flexible hours. starting pay: $7$9 per hour.

Notice: to person or persons who took the large pumpkin on highway 87
near southridge storage. please return the pumpkin and be checked. pumpkin
may be radioactive. all other plants in vicinity are dead.

Exercise equipment: queen size mattress & box spring -$175.

Our sofa seats the whole mob and it's made of 100% Italian leather.

Joining nudist colony, must sell washer & dryer$300.

Actual ad in the NY Times (fact or fiction :o)
FOR SALE BY OWNER Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition.$1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend.Wife knows everything.

still more to go...

2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess.

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

Dinner Special — Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Now is your chance to have your ear pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

For Sale — Eight puppiesfrom a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.

Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

If you think you’ve seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.

Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

The hotel has bowling alleys, Tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.

Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.

and the ultimate newspaper classified award goes to:

Your Ad Here