Thursday, October 07, 2010
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Funny FIFA 2010 World Cup questions
These questions were answered by the owner of a South African tourism website. It's a humorous take on some of the more bizzare questions asked by foreigners about South Africa...
Q: Does it ever get rainy in South Africa ? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only two thousand kilometers. Take lots of water...
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in South Africa? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa ? Can you send me a List of them in JHB, Cape Town , Knysna and Jeffrey's Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in South Africa? (USA)
A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific. A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe which does not.... Oh forget it. Sure, the Koala Bear racing is every Tuesday night in Hillbrow. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is north in South Africa? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Do you have perfume in South Africa? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in South Africa where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: Are there killer bees in South Africa? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, I'll import them with the plants...
Q: Are there supermarkets in Cape Town and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegetarian hunter-gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All South African snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
via HomeComingRevolution.co.za
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
64 Rules From Tech Support
via http://www.blippitt.com
2. When a tech says he's coming right over, go for coffee. It's nothing to us to remember 481 screen saver passwords.
3. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and Popsicle art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.
5. Don't put your phone extension in your emails to the help desk. We need to keep an eye on the address book performance.
6. When tech support sends you an email with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing the public groups.
7. When a tech is eating lunch in his cube, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.
8. When a tech is having a smoke outside, ask him a computer question. The only reason why we smoke at all is to ferret out those clients who don't have email or a telephone line.
9. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
10. When you call a tech's direct line, press 5 to skip the bilingual greeting that says he's out of town for a week, record your message and wait exactly 24 hours before you send an email straight to the director because no one ever returned your call. After all, you're entitled to common courtesy.
11. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.
12. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can fix your line from here.
13. When you have a dozen CGA monitors to get rid of, call computer support. We're collectors.
14. When some calls with no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.
15. If you hate your mouse, get some other pointing device and discard the manual. We know all the keyboard accelerators.
16. When a tech tells you that computer monitors don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.
17. When you get a message about insufficient disk space, delete everything in the Windows directory. It's nothing but trouble anyway.
18. When you get a message about a hard disk controller failure, and then you reboot and it looks okay, don't call tech support. We'd much rather troubleshoot it when it's dead as a doornail.
19. When you have a tech on the phone walking you through changing a setting, read the paper. We don't actually mean for you to do anything. We just love to hear ourselves talk.
20. When a tech tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That'll get us going.
21. If you have a 14-inch monitor that says VGA on it, set the display to true color, 1024 x 768. You'll never again have to worry about people reading confidential files over your shoulder.
22. When we offer training on the upcoming OS upgrade, don't bother. We'll be there to hold your hand after it's done.
23. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.
24. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the building. One of them is bound to work.
25. Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "my thingy's outta whack".
26. Don't use online help. Online help is for wimps.
27. If you're taking night classes in computer science, feel free to go around and update the network drivers for your all your co-workers. We're grateful for the overtime money.
28. When a tech makes popcorn, help yourself while he's checking out your access rights. And we keep chocolate in the top drawer, too.
29. When you have a tech fixing your computer at a quarter past noon, eat your lunch in his face. We function better when slightly dizzy.
30. Don't ever thank us. We're getting paid for this.
31. If you're an intern, feel free to bring in all your friends from college and have your Daddy complain to our boss when we won't let them use the scanner. We had no friends when we were in college; that's why we're such a bunch of tight-assed little twerps.
32. When a tech asks you whether you've installed any new software on this computer, lie. It's nothing's wrong with your home PC, dump it on a tech's chair with no nbody's business what you've got on your computer.
33. When a tech finds the AOL shortcuts in your Recycle Bin, tell him you've never seen those before. We couldn't tell bullshit if it kicked us in the face.
34. If you have NT, feel free to change the local administrator's password to "blowjob" and promptly forget it. We like installing NT.
35. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 45 lbs. of computer sitting on top of them.
36. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them.
37. When you receive the new Yanni CD for your birthday, shove it into any slot on the front of your computer. We like getting physical with 5.25 floppy drives.
38. When you get a message saying "Are you sure?", click on that Yes button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you?
39. When you find a tech on the phone with his bank, sit uninvited on the corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs up. We don't have any money to speak of anyway.
40. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that computer crap". We don't mind at all hearing our area of professional expertise referred to as crap.
41. When you need to change the toner cartridge, call tech support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a master's degree in nuclear physics.
42. When you can't find someone in the government directory, call tech support. Due to budget restrictions, we double as 411.
43. When you have a lock to pick on an old file cabinet, call tech support. We love to hack.
44. When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn't know jack shit about the problem.
45. When you receive a 30-meg movie file, send it to everyone as a mail attachment. We got lots of disk space on that mail server.
46. Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. Somebody else might get a chance to squeeze a memo into the queue.
47. When your eyes fall on the family pictures on a tech's desk, exclaim in a flabbergasted tone of voice: "YOU have a child?!?" We need to be reminded of how lucky we were to ever have gotten laid.
48. When a tech gets on the elevator pushing 15,000 kilograms worth of computer equipment on a cart, ask in a very loud voice: "Good grief, you take the elevator to go DOWN one floor?!?" That's another one that cracks us up no end.
49. When the Finance folks are printing a 100-page spreadsheet on the LaserJet, send your black and white print job to the color printer. We get the black toner for free.
50. When you lose your car keys, send an email to the entire department. People out in Yellowknife like to keep abreast of what's going on.
51. When you bump into a tech at the grocery store on a Saturday, ask a computer question. We don't do weekends.
52. When you see a tech having a beer with a member of the opposite sex on a Friday night, walk right up to them and ask a computer question. We don't do dating; the reason why we have that horny look on our faces is because we're discussing the new Intel processor.
53. Don't bother to tell us when you move computers around on your own. Computer names are just a cosmetic feature in NT 4.0; they won't be doing anything useful until the next major release.
54. When you can't access some shared directory on your boss's machine, just tell us that you've lost your X: drive. We know all that shit by heart.
55. If you need to buy a computer for your daughter in college, feel free to pick our brains while we're taking a leak. We're good at talking shop with our dicks in our hands.
56. If your son is a student in computer science, have him come in on the weekends and do his projects on your office computer. We'll be there for you when his illegal copy of Visual Basic 6.0 makes your Access 95 database flip out.
57. When you bring your own personal home PC for repair at the office, leave the documentation at home. We'll find the jumper settings on the Internet.
58. We're aware of that problem with computers just sitting there and not doing anything. We're confident that with the next service pack they'll be able to dance the jig.
59. The correct location to store important files is the Recycle Bin. It's just like a real office, where you keep your tax receipts in the blue can under your desk.
60. If you curse every morning when you start to type your password and the Virus Shield splash screen pops up in your face, disable the Virus Shield. Again, this is just like real life: if you don't like condoms, just don't use them, that's all.
61. If you hate PCs, get on the Internet and download one of those desktop enhancements that make your computer look just like a Mac, down to the sad faces replacing verbose error messages. We find it refreshing to troubleshoot the nuances in that sad little face instead of some cold forbidding hexadecimal integer.
62. When you detect a French accent in a tech's voice, switch to French. We don't mind that your level of fluency is that of a mildly retarded 4-year-old; you don't make a whole lot of sense in your own mother tongue either.
63. We don't really believe that you're a bunch of ungrateful twits. It hurts our feelings that you could even think such a thing. We wish to express our deepest gratitude to the hundreds of clueless losers portrayed herein, without whom none of this would have been remotely possible.
64. Have you ever wondered what Tech Support does while you are on hold? Think about how long it takes to write a 64 point memo!
via http://www.blippitt.com
1. Don't write anything down. We can play back the error messages from here.
2. When a tech says he's coming right over, go for coffee. It's nothing to us to remember 481 screen saver passwords.
3. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and Popsicle art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.
5. Don't put your phone extension in your emails to the help desk. We need to keep an eye on the address book performance.
6. When tech support sends you an email with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing the public groups.
7. When a tech is eating lunch in his cube, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.
8. When a tech is having a smoke outside, ask him a computer question. The only reason why we smoke at all is to ferret out those clients who don't have email or a telephone line.
9. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
10. When you call a tech's direct line, press 5 to skip the bilingual greeting that says he's out of town for a week, record your message and wait exactly 24 hours before you send an email straight to the director because no one ever returned your call. After all, you're entitled to common courtesy.
11. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.
12. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can fix your line from here.
13. When you have a dozen CGA monitors to get rid of, call computer support. We're collectors.
14. When some calls with no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.
15. If you hate your mouse, get some other pointing device and discard the manual. We know all the keyboard accelerators.
16. When a tech tells you that computer monitors don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.
17. When you get a message about insufficient disk space, delete everything in the Windows directory. It's nothing but trouble anyway.
18. When you get a message about a hard disk controller failure, and then you reboot and it looks okay, don't call tech support. We'd much rather troubleshoot it when it's dead as a doornail.
19. When you have a tech on the phone walking you through changing a setting, read the paper. We don't actually mean for you to do anything. We just love to hear ourselves talk.
20. When a tech tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That'll get us going.
21. If you have a 14-inch monitor that says VGA on it, set the display to true color, 1024 x 768. You'll never again have to worry about people reading confidential files over your shoulder.
22. When we offer training on the upcoming OS upgrade, don't bother. We'll be there to hold your hand after it's done.
23. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.
24. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the building. One of them is bound to work.
25. Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "my thingy's outta whack".
26. Don't use online help. Online help is for wimps.
27. If you're taking night classes in computer science, feel free to go around and update the network drivers for your all your co-workers. We're grateful for the overtime money.
28. When a tech makes popcorn, help yourself while he's checking out your access rights. And we keep chocolate in the top drawer, too.
29. When you have a tech fixing your computer at a quarter past noon, eat your lunch in his face. We function better when slightly dizzy.
30. Don't ever thank us. We're getting paid for this.
31. If you're an intern, feel free to bring in all your friends from college and have your Daddy complain to our boss when we won't let them use the scanner. We had no friends when we were in college; that's why we're such a bunch of tight-assed little twerps.
32. When a tech asks you whether you've installed any new software on this computer, lie. It's nothing's wrong with your home PC, dump it on a tech's chair with no nbody's business what you've got on your computer.
33. When a tech finds the AOL shortcuts in your Recycle Bin, tell him you've never seen those before. We couldn't tell bullshit if it kicked us in the face.
34. If you have NT, feel free to change the local administrator's password to "blowjob" and promptly forget it. We like installing NT.
35. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 45 lbs. of computer sitting on top of them.
36. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them.
37. When you receive the new Yanni CD for your birthday, shove it into any slot on the front of your computer. We like getting physical with 5.25 floppy drives.
38. When you get a message saying "Are you sure?", click on that Yes button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you?
39. When you find a tech on the phone with his bank, sit uninvited on the corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs up. We don't have any money to speak of anyway.
40. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that computer crap". We don't mind at all hearing our area of professional expertise referred to as crap.
41. When you need to change the toner cartridge, call tech support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a master's degree in nuclear physics.
42. When you can't find someone in the government directory, call tech support. Due to budget restrictions, we double as 411.
43. When you have a lock to pick on an old file cabinet, call tech support. We love to hack.
44. When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn't know jack shit about the problem.
45. When you receive a 30-meg movie file, send it to everyone as a mail attachment. We got lots of disk space on that mail server.
46. Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. Somebody else might get a chance to squeeze a memo into the queue.
47. When your eyes fall on the family pictures on a tech's desk, exclaim in a flabbergasted tone of voice: "YOU have a child?!?" We need to be reminded of how lucky we were to ever have gotten laid.
48. When a tech gets on the elevator pushing 15,000 kilograms worth of computer equipment on a cart, ask in a very loud voice: "Good grief, you take the elevator to go DOWN one floor?!?" That's another one that cracks us up no end.
49. When the Finance folks are printing a 100-page spreadsheet on the LaserJet, send your black and white print job to the color printer. We get the black toner for free.
50. When you lose your car keys, send an email to the entire department. People out in Yellowknife like to keep abreast of what's going on.
51. When you bump into a tech at the grocery store on a Saturday, ask a computer question. We don't do weekends.
52. When you see a tech having a beer with a member of the opposite sex on a Friday night, walk right up to them and ask a computer question. We don't do dating; the reason why we have that horny look on our faces is because we're discussing the new Intel processor.
53. Don't bother to tell us when you move computers around on your own. Computer names are just a cosmetic feature in NT 4.0; they won't be doing anything useful until the next major release.
54. When you can't access some shared directory on your boss's machine, just tell us that you've lost your X: drive. We know all that shit by heart.
55. If you need to buy a computer for your daughter in college, feel free to pick our brains while we're taking a leak. We're good at talking shop with our dicks in our hands.
56. If your son is a student in computer science, have him come in on the weekends and do his projects on your office computer. We'll be there for you when his illegal copy of Visual Basic 6.0 makes your Access 95 database flip out.
57. When you bring your own personal home PC for repair at the office, leave the documentation at home. We'll find the jumper settings on the Internet.
58. We're aware of that problem with computers just sitting there and not doing anything. We're confident that with the next service pack they'll be able to dance the jig.
59. The correct location to store important files is the Recycle Bin. It's just like a real office, where you keep your tax receipts in the blue can under your desk.
60. If you curse every morning when you start to type your password and the Virus Shield splash screen pops up in your face, disable the Virus Shield. Again, this is just like real life: if you don't like condoms, just don't use them, that's all.
61. If you hate PCs, get on the Internet and download one of those desktop enhancements that make your computer look just like a Mac, down to the sad faces replacing verbose error messages. We find it refreshing to troubleshoot the nuances in that sad little face instead of some cold forbidding hexadecimal integer.
62. When you detect a French accent in a tech's voice, switch to French. We don't mind that your level of fluency is that of a mildly retarded 4-year-old; you don't make a whole lot of sense in your own mother tongue either.
63. We don't really believe that you're a bunch of ungrateful twits. It hurts our feelings that you could even think such a thing. We wish to express our deepest gratitude to the hundreds of clueless losers portrayed herein, without whom none of this would have been remotely possible.
64. Have you ever wondered what Tech Support does while you are on hold? Think about how long it takes to write a 64 point memo!
via http://www.blippitt.com
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Best Homer SImpson Quotes of All Time
Homer Simpson seldom fail to bring a laugh to our day. The silly-witty comments and questions is a class on its own. Enjoy! :D
“How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?”
“If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can’t speak English.”
“Son, a woman is a lot like a… a refrigerator! They’re about six feet tall, 300 pounds. They make ice, and … um … Oh, wait a minute. Actually, a woman is more like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you’d step over your own mother just to get one! But you can’t stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!”
“God bless those pagans.”
“Everyone knows rock n’ roll attained perfection in 1974; It’s a scientific fact.”
“Ah, sweet pity. Where would my love life be without it?”
“Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?”
“They didn’t have any aspirin, so I got you some cigarettes.”
“Go ahead and play the blues if it’ll make you happy.”
“Marge, I’m going to miss you so much. And it’s not just the sex. It’s also the food preparation.”
“Ah, TV respects me. It laughs with me, not at me!”
“Bart! With $10,000, we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like… love!”
“Well, I’m tired of being a wannabe league bowler. I wanna be a league bowler!”
“I guess some people never change. Or, they quickly change and then quickly change back.”
“Lisa, honey, if it’ll make you feel better I’ll destroy something Bart loves.”
“Your mother seems really upset about something. I better go have a talk with her… during the commercial.”
“Stupid risks are what make life worth living.”
“If you really need money, you can sell your kidney or even your car.”
“The sun? That’s the hottest place on Earth.”
“I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. 1). Cover for me. 2). Oh, good idea Boss! 3). It was like that when I got here.”
“Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix.”
“Lisa, you’re a Buddhist, so you believe in reincarnation. Eventually, Snowball will be reborn as a higher life form… like a snowman.”
“English side ruined! Must use French instructions! Le GRILL?? What the hell is that?”
“Stupid gravity!”
“Aw, twenty dollars… I wanted a peanut.”
“God can’t be everywhere, right?”
“It’s not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.”
“Oh, so they have internet on computers now!”
“What is a wedding? Webster’s Dictionary defines a wedding as ‘The process of removing weeds from one’s garden.’”
“Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that’s even remotely true!”
“Throw them away? Are you mad woman? You never know when an old calendar may come in handy. Sure it’s not 1985 now, but who knows what tomorrow might bring?”
“Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals! … ‘cept the weasel.”
“Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.”
“I’m not normally a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me Superman!”
“You tried your best and failed miserably. The lesson is: never try.”
“You don’t like your job, you don’t strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.”
“The answer to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a beer bottle, they’re on TV.”
“Flanders has cooties … Flanders has cooties … Flanders has cooties …”
“Somebody COULD get hurt … COULD … but chances are they won’t.”
“Nobody gets into heaven without a glowstick.”
“I’ve figured out an alternative to giving up my beer. Basically, we become a family of travelling acrobats.”
“Here’s to alcohol, the cause of — and solution to — all life’s problems.”
“If you’re going to get mad at me every time I do something stupid, then I guess I’ll just have to stop doing stupid things!”
“The sooner kids talk, the sooner they talk back. I hope you never say a word.”
“Kids, kids. I’m not going to die. That only happens to bad people.”
“Pffft, English, who needs that? I’m never going to England.”
“I saw weird stuff in that place last night. Weird, strange, sick, twisted, eerie, godless, evil stuff. And I want in.”
“Our lives are in the hands of men no smarter than you or I. Many of them incompetent boobs. I know this because I’ve worked alongside them, gone bowling with them, watch them pass me over for promotions time and again.”
“You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.”
“Well, its 1 a.m. Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids.”
“Always remember that you’re representing your country. I guess what I’m saying is, don’t mess up France the way you messed up your room.”
“Shut-up brain or I’ll stab you with a Q-Tip.”
“Help me, Jebus!”
“Don’t worry. Being eaten by a crocodile is just like going to sleep… in a giant blender.”
“If God didn’t want us to eat in church, he would’ve made gluttony a sin.”
“A gun is not a weapon, Marge. It’s a tool, like a butcher’s knife, or a harpoon, or an alligator.”
“Boy, when Marge first told me she was going to the Police Academy, I thought it would be fun and exciting, you know, like the movie… Spaceballs. But instead, it’s been painful and disturbing, like the movie Police Academy.”
“First you don’t want me to get the pony, now you want me to take it back. Make up your mind!”
“I’m a white male, age 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are.”
“First you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women.”
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)