Laugh with Me

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2010-10-07T14:54:00.002+08:00

Funny FIFA 2010 World Cup questions

2010-07-13T10:16:00.000+08:00

These questions were answered by the owner of a South African tourism website. It's a humorous take on some of the more bizzare questions asked by foreigners about South Africa...

Q: Does it ever get rainy in South Africa ? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only two thousand kilometers. Take lots of water...

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in South Africa? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa ? Can you send me a List of them in JHB, Cape Town , Knysna and Jeffrey's Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in South Africa? (USA)
A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific. A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe which does not.... Oh forget it. Sure, the Koala Bear racing is every Tuesday night in Hillbrow. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is north in South Africa? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Do you have perfume in South Africa? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in South Africa where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Are there killer bees in South Africa? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, I'll import them with the plants...

Q: Are there supermarkets in Cape Town and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegetarian hunter-gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All South African snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

via HomeComingRevolution.co.za

Funny Snowman Comics

2010-05-20T08:48:00.000+08:00

Via http://bezbrige.com

64 Rules From Tech Support

2010-05-19T20:34:00.001+08:00

via http://www.blippitt.com

1. Don't write anything down. We can play back the error messages from here.

2. When a tech says he's coming right over, go for coffee. It's nothing to us to remember 481 screen saver passwords.

3. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and Popsicle art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.

5. Don't put your phone extension in your emails to the help desk. We need to keep an eye on the address book performance.

6. When tech support sends you an email with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing the public groups.

7. When a tech is eating lunch in his cube, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.

8. When a tech is having a smoke outside, ask him a computer question. The only reason why we smoke at all is to ferret out those clients who don't have email or a telephone line.

9. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

10. When you call a tech's direct line, press 5 to skip the bilingual greeting that says he's out of town for a week, record your message and wait exactly 24 hours before you send an email straight to the director because no one ever returned your call. After all, you're entitled to common courtesy.

11. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.

12. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can fix your line from here.

13. When you have a dozen CGA monitors to get rid of, call computer support. We're collectors.

14. When some calls with no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.

15. If you hate your mouse, get some other pointing device and discard the manual. We know all the keyboard accelerators.

16. When a tech tells you that computer monitors don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.

17. When you get a message about insufficient disk space, delete everything in the Windows directory. It's nothing but trouble anyway.

18. When you get a message about a hard disk controller failure, and then you reboot and it looks okay, don't call tech support. We'd much rather troubleshoot it when it's dead as a doornail.

19. When you have a tech on the phone walking you through changing a setting, read the paper. We don't actually mean for you to do anything. We just love to hear ourselves talk.

20. When a tech tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That'll get us going.

21. If you have a 14-inch monitor that says VGA on it, set the display to true color, 1024 x 768. You'll never again have to worry about people reading confidential files over your shoulder.

22. When we offer training on the upcoming OS upgrade, don't bother. We'll be there to hold your hand after it's done.

23. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

24. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the building. One of them is bound to work.

25. Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "my thingy's outta whack".

26. Don't use online help. Online help is for wimps.

27. If you're taking night classes in computer science, feel free to go around and update the network drivers for your all your co-workers. We're grateful for the overtime money.

28. When a tech makes popcorn, help yourself while he's checking out your access rights. And we keep chocolate in the top drawer, too.

29. When you have a tech fixing your computer at a quarter past noon, eat your lunch in his face. We function better when slightly dizzy.

30. Don't ever thank us. We're getting paid for this.

31. If you're an intern, feel free to bring in all your friends from college and have your Daddy complain to our boss when we won't let them use the scanner. We had no friends when we were in college; that's why we're such a bunch of tight-assed little twerps.

32. When a tech asks you whether you've installed any new software on this computer, lie. It's nothing's wrong with your home PC, dump it on a tech's chair with no nbody's business what you've got on your computer.

33. When a tech finds the AOL shortcuts in your Recycle Bin, tell him you've never seen those before. We couldn't tell bullshit if it kicked us in the face.

34. If you have NT, feel free to change the local administrator's password to "blowjob" and promptly forget it. We like installing NT.

35. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 45 lbs. of computer sitting on top of them.

36. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them.

37. When you receive the new Yanni CD for your birthday, shove it into any slot on the front of your computer. We like getting physical with 5.25 floppy drives.

38. When you get a message saying "Are you sure?", click on that Yes button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you?

39. When you find a tech on the phone with his bank, sit uninvited on the corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs up. We don't have any money to speak of anyway.

40. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that computer crap". We don't mind at all hearing our area of professional expertise referred to as crap.

41. When you need to change the toner cartridge, call tech support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a master's degree in nuclear physics.

42. When you can't find someone in the government directory, call tech support. Due to budget restrictions, we double as 411.

43. When you have a lock to pick on an old file cabinet, call tech support. We love to hack.

44. When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn't know jack shit about the problem.

45. When you receive a 30-meg movie file, send it to everyone as a mail attachment. We got lots of disk space on that mail server.

46. Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. Somebody else might get a chance to squeeze a memo into the queue.

47. When your eyes fall on the family pictures on a tech's desk, exclaim in a flabbergasted tone of voice: "YOU have a child?!?" We need to be reminded of how lucky we were to ever have gotten laid.

48. When a tech gets on the elevator pushing 15,000 kilograms worth of computer equipment on a cart, ask in a very loud voice: "Good grief, you take the elevator to go DOWN one floor?!?" That's another one that cracks us up no end.

49. When the Finance folks are printing a 100-page spreadsheet on the LaserJet, send your black and white print job to the color printer. We get the black toner for free.

50. When you lose your car keys, send an email to the entire department. People out in Yellowknife like to keep abreast of what's going on.

51. When you bump into a tech at the grocery store on a Saturday, ask a computer question. We don't do weekends.

52. When you see a tech having a beer with a member of the opposite sex on a Friday night, walk right up to them and ask a computer question. We don't do dating; the reason why we have that horny look on our faces is because we're discussing the new Intel processor.

53. Don't bother to tell us when you move computers around on your own. Computer names are just a cosmetic feature in NT 4.0; they won't be doing anything useful until the next major release.

54. When you can't access some shared directory on your boss's machine, just tell us that you've lost your X: drive. We know all that shit by heart.

55. If you need to buy a computer for your daughter in college, feel free to pick our brains while we're taking a leak. We're good at talking shop with our dicks in our hands.

56. If your son is a student in computer science, have him come in on the weekends and do his projects on your office computer. We'll be there for you when his illegal copy of Visual Basic 6.0 makes your Access 95 database flip out.

57. When you bring your own personal home PC for repair at the office, leave the documentation at home. We'll find the jumper settings on the Internet.

58. We're aware of that problem with computers just sitting there and not doing anything. We're confident that with the next service pack they'll be able to dance the jig.

59. The correct location to store important files is the Recycle Bin. It's just like a real office, where you keep your tax receipts in the blue can under your desk.

60. If you curse every morning when you start to type your password and the Virus Shield splash screen pops up in your face, disable the Virus Shield. Again, this is just like real life: if you don't like condoms, just don't use them, that's all.

61. If you hate PCs, get on the Internet and download one of those desktop enhancements that make your computer look just like a Mac, down to the sad faces replacing verbose error messages. We find it refreshing to troubleshoot the nuances in that sad little face instead of some cold forbidding hexadecimal integer.

62. When you detect a French accent in a tech's voice, switch to French. We don't mind that your level of fluency is that of a mildly retarded 4-year-old; you don't make a whole lot of sense in your own mother tongue either.

63. We don't really believe that you're a bunch of ungrateful twits. It hurts our feelings that you could even think such a thing. We wish to express our deepest gratitude to the hundreds of clueless losers portrayed herein, without whom none of this would have been remotely possible.

64. Have you ever wondered what Tech Support does while you are on hold? Think about how long it takes to write a 64 point memo!

via http://www.blippitt.com

Best Homer SImpson Quotes of All Time

2010-05-13T08:44:00.000+08:00

Homer Simpson seldom fail to bring a laugh to our day. The silly-witty comments and questions is a class on its own. Enjoy! :D

“How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?”

“If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can’t speak English.”

“Son, a woman is a lot like a… a refrigerator! They’re about six feet tall, 300 pounds. They make ice, and … um … Oh, wait a minute. Actually, a woman is more like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you’d step over your own mother just to get one! But you can’t stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!”

“God bless those pagans.”

“Everyone knows rock n’ roll attained perfection in 1974; It’s a scientific fact.”

“Ah, sweet pity. Where would my love life be without it?”

“Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?”

“They didn’t have any aspirin, so I got you some cigarettes.”

“Go ahead and play the blues if it’ll make you happy.”

“Marge, I’m going to miss you so much. And it’s not just the sex. It’s also the food preparation.”

“Ah, TV respects me. It laughs with me, not at me!”

“Bart! With $10,000, we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like… love!”

“Well, I’m tired of being a wannabe league bowler. I wanna be a league bowler!”

“I guess some people never change. Or, they quickly change and then quickly change back.”

“Lisa, honey, if it’ll make you feel better I’ll destroy something Bart loves.”

“Your mother seems really upset about something. I better go have a talk with her… during the commercial.”

“Stupid risks are what make life worth living.”

“If you really need money, you can sell your kidney or even your car.”

“The sun? That’s the hottest place on Earth.”

“I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. 1). Cover for me. 2). Oh, good idea Boss! 3). It was like that when I got here.”

“Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix.”

“Lisa, you’re a Buddhist, so you believe in reincarnation. Eventually, Snowball will be reborn as a higher life form… like a snowman.”

“English side ruined! Must use French instructions! Le GRILL?? What the hell is that?”

“Stupid gravity!”

“Aw, twenty dollars… I wanted a peanut.”

“God can’t be everywhere, right?”

“It’s not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.”

“Oh, so they have internet on computers now!”

“What is a wedding? Webster’s Dictionary defines a wedding as ‘The process of removing weeds from one’s garden.’”

“Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that’s even remotely true!”

“Throw them away? Are you mad woman? You never know when an old calendar may come in handy. Sure it’s not 1985 now, but who knows what tomorrow might bring?”

“Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals! … ‘cept the weasel.”

“Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.”

“I’m not normally a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me Superman!”

“You tried your best and failed miserably. The lesson is: never try.”

“You don’t like your job, you don’t strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.”

“The answer to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a beer bottle, they’re on TV.”

“Flanders has cooties … Flanders has cooties … Flanders has cooties …”

“Somebody COULD get hurt … COULD … but chances are they won’t.”

“Nobody gets into heaven without a glowstick.”

“I’ve figured out an alternative to giving up my beer. Basically, we become a family of travelling acrobats.”

“Here’s to alcohol, the cause of — and solution to — all life’s problems.”

“If you’re going to get mad at me every time I do something stupid, then I guess I’ll just have to stop doing stupid things!”

“The sooner kids talk, the sooner they talk back. I hope you never say a word.”

“Kids, kids. I’m not going to die. That only happens to bad people.”

“Pffft, English, who needs that? I’m never going to England.”

“I saw weird stuff in that place last night. Weird, strange, sick, twisted, eerie, godless, evil stuff. And I want in.”

“Our lives are in the hands of men no smarter than you or I. Many of them incompetent boobs. I know this because I’ve worked alongside them, gone bowling with them, watch them pass me over for promotions time and again.”

“You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.”

“Well, its 1 a.m. Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids.”

“Always remember that you’re representing your country. I guess what I’m saying is, don’t mess up France the way you messed up your room.”

“Shut-up brain or I’ll stab you with a Q-Tip.”

“Help me, Jebus!”

“Don’t worry. Being eaten by a crocodile is just like going to sleep… in a giant blender.”

“If God didn’t want us to eat in church, he would’ve made gluttony a sin.”

“A gun is not a weapon, Marge. It’s a tool, like a butcher’s knife, or a harpoon, or an alligator.”

“Boy, when Marge first told me she was going to the Police Academy, I thought it would be fun and exciting, you know, like the movie… Spaceballs. But instead, it’s been painful and disturbing, like the movie Police Academy.”

“First you don’t want me to get the pony, now you want me to take it back. Make up your mind!”

“I’m a white male, age 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are.”

“First you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women.”

Family Guys deleted scenes

2010-05-07T20:13:00.000+08:00

10 deleted scene from (in)famous cartoon series, Family Guy

Taken from UnrealityMag.com

Extreme

Wait for it, wait for it, Peter is right

The List

Go Stewie

We’ve Got Bush

They got him

House Roofing Contest

This couldn’t be any more racist if it tried

Peter Watches a Pie Fight

It doesn’t get any better than this…

Bad Santa

Love it

Peter Laughing

I absolutely love when the show does this

A Rare Cursing Moment

I had to watch this twice to believe it

On the Road to Germany

I had to get one of the Jerky boys in here

Stewie Kills a Hooker

Quagmire!

Via UnrealityMag.com

Mother's Day Quotes

2010-05-07T19:29:00.002+08:00

Mother's Day is coming. No matter what kind a mother you have, without her you won't be reading this blog or doing anything you're doing now. You would never be in this world without a mother. Tell your mother that you love and appreciate her, and share the laughter with her, when you (i hope) are laughing reading these:

(for all the mothers out there, you rock!!!)

1. "Mothers of teenagers know why animals eat their young." ~ Author Unknown

2. "Mothers are all slightly insane." ~ J.D. Salinger

3. "I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them." ~ Phyllis Diller

4. "There is only one pretty child in the world, and every mother has it." ~ Chinese Proverb

5. "It takes a woman twenty years to make a man of her son, and another woman twenty minutes to make a fool of him." ~ Helen Rowland

6. "The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found." ~ Calvin Trillin

7. "A suburban mother's role is to deliver children obstetrically once, and by car for ever after." ~ Peter De Vries

8. "It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge." ~ Phyllis Diller

9. "All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his." ~ Oscar Wilde

10. "A mother is a person who seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie." ~ Tenneva Jordan

11. "You don't really understand human nature unless you know why a child on a merry-go-round will wave at his parents every time around - and why his parents will always wave back." ~William D. Tammeus.

12. "Working mothers are guinea pigs in a scientific experiment to show that sleep is not necessary to human life." ~ Author Unknown

13. "Any mother could perform the jobs of several air-traffic controllers with ease." ~ LisaAlther

14. "My mother had to send me to the movies with my birth certificate, so that I wouldn't have to pay the extra fifty cents that the adults had to pay." ~ KareemAbdul-Jabbar

15. "My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it." ~ Mark Twain

16. "My mother's menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it." ~ Buddy Hackett

via MomScape.com

by the way, my mum is amazing :D
so here's a bonus video (not funny but really good)

Geekiest crimes(?) of all

2010-05-07T09:02:00.000+08:00

Taken from Uphaa.com

” I have killed them all! "… ups… sorry… Wrong Number!

A call mistakenly made by a victorious video gamer led to his arrest on an outstanding warrant.

Authorities arrested Thomas Ballard, 29, of Delhi, early Monday after a woman reported receiving a late-night call from someone saying, “I have killed them all.”

Ballard’s number showed up on the woman’s caller ID; he’d called by mistake, meaning instead to get a buddy to talk-up his success in an Xbox game, said Sgt. Julie Lewis, a spokeswoman for the Louisiana State Police.

Authorities following up at the address, to investigate whether there had been any foul play, found no evidence of wrongdoing, she said. But they did find, in the process of identifying Ballard, that he had a 5-year-old warrant out of Baton Rouge, charging him with failure to appear on a possession of cocaine charge.

Ballard was booked into the Richland Parish Detention Center for extradition to Baton Rouge.

“It was weird the way this all came down,” Lewis said Tuesday. “This isn’t something you could just make up.” Source

Student transferred for making counter strike map based on school

A senior at Clements High School in Sugar Land, Texas was transferred to an alternative education center after it was learned that the student had created a map of his school in the online game Counter-Strike

The student wasn’t arrested or charged with any crimes, but police were called in to search his home, where they found five swords. Police also ordered the student to erase the game and maps from his computer.Source

Gamers Arrested By SWAT Team After Playing Playstation Too Loudly

Two gamers in Denmark had a SWAT team knock down their door and arrest them after they were playing a video game too loudly. The pair were playing Rainbow Six on their PlayStation 3 when neighbors called the police to report that they heard loud gunshots coming from their apartment.

Police quickly cordoned off the area and stormed the house using a megaphone to command the pair to surrender. The two gamers were handcuffed until officers realized that they posed no threat.

A spokesman for the Copenhagen police said that they are obliged to investigate any reports of gunshots, which leads to occasional false alarms. Source

Try to sell "World of Warcraft gold"

Here in the US, you can’t really arrest someone for selling gold in-game — it’s against Blizzard’s Terms of Service, so they can ban you from the game or even file suit against you, but it’s not actually illegal. But in China, under communism, things are apparently a little different. Two gold farmers have actually been arrested by the government for “unfair revenue distribution” — apparently the two had a disagreement about how to distribute the over $200,000 they had made from selling gold in World of Warcraft. Source.

Arrested for a virtual murder

A 43-year-old Japanese woman, angry over a sudden divorce in the virtual online game Maple Story, has been arrested on suspicion of hacking into the game where she killed her once-virtual husband, authorities said.

Authorities said the Miyazaki woman illegally accessed the game with a password she hijacked from a colleague. That made it appear as if her coworker committed the online murder.

According to The Associated Press, the woman told police: “I was suddenly divorced, without a word of warning. That made me so angry.”

The two had never met in real life. Source

Watching the sci-fi show Battlestar Galactica while driving

A truck driver watched episodes of the cult sci-fi show Battlestar Galactica as he drove a 38-ton lorry along a motorway, a court heard.

Benjamin Trotsman, 37, was spotted driving erratically in the early hours of the morning by another trucker who called police.

A Cumbria Police spokesman said: “The driver was seen to be watching a film on a laptop computer that was situated on the dashboard in his cab.

“He appeared oblivious to other motorists and continued to drive in an erratic manner, speeding up and slowing down, and crossing on occasions on to the hard shoulder.”

Police stopped the lorry and when they examined his laptop it appeared that Trotsman had been watching Battlestar Galactica.

Source

Arrested for carrying his replica laser blaster

“Kim”, 32, dressed in the outfit of an Imperial Death Star guard, was pinned to the ground and handcuffed by the other Force – the Victorian police force – after he was spotting marching through the city with a replica laser blaster poking out of his backpack.

Kim was on his way to a photo shoot with the MX newspaper, but concerned patrons at the Southgate retail complex on the Yarra River alerted security guards when they spotted the Sci Fi foot soldier eating breakfast in the foodcourt in his Evil Empire regalia.

“I will be requesting the safe return of my trooper’s replica movie prop and asking for all charges to be dropped”, 501st Legion Commanding Officer Bruce Harrison said.

He said his trooper’s weapon replica was worth up to $500, and he was hoping to negotiate it’s safe return this afternoon. Source

The Gunman with water guns

On May 12, 2009, an incident involving the ‘Assassin’ game happened behind a North Hampton, New Hampshire restaurant, where an employee spotted a man in dark clothing with a gun. He called the police and the student in question did not resist but simply walked to his car and explained the game to the police. The student did not run away from the police, he cooperated fully, and was not arrested. The man turned out to be a high school senior from Exeter, New Hampshire waiting for another high school student to come out of her job at the restaurant with a squirt gun in hand.Source

Via Uphaa.com

Modified Famous Art Masterpieces

2010-05-06T23:11:00.001+08:00

Check out these old masterpieces and see if you can detect the 'modifications' made on them :)

Taken from EnglishRussia.com

Via EnglishRussia.com

Job offers that you can't resist

2010-05-06T13:13:00.000+08:00

Some snapshots of job offers with some *twist*...

We miss you so much, we need someone to take your ASAP

At least you won't be alone, look at the bright side!

That was brilliant!

Gotta give them some credits for being honest

Career choice guidance

err... seriously?

The 100% most GENIUS reply to a threatening FORMSPRING question

2010-05-06T12:12:00.000+08:00

PWN!!!

Lines for flirt killer

2010-05-06T12:07:00.002+08:00

Some funny way to turn down any flirt when you are not interested... enjoy!

HE: I'm a photographer I've been looking for a face like yours!
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours

HE: May I have the pleasure of this dance?
SHE: No, I'd like to have some pleasure too !

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must have been given your share !

HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend !

HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out!
SHE: Okay, get out!

HE: I think I could make you very happy
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!

HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why, don't you already have one?

HE: Shall we go and see a film?
SHE: I've already seen it!

HE: Do you think it was fate that brought us together?
SHE: Nah, it was plain bad luck !

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.

HE: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
SHE: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down .

HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.

HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.

Star Wars Quotes

2010-05-04T18:34:00.001+08:00

Top 10 Quotes from 3 old Star Wars movies.... May the Laughter Be with YOU!

TOP 10 LINES FROM STAR WARS

10) "Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care what you smell!"
9) "Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?"
8) "Put that thing away before you get us all killed."
7) "You've got something jammed in here real good."
6) "Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?"
5) "You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought."
4) "Sorry about the mess..."
3) "Look at the size of that thing!"
2) "Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!"
1) "She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid."

TOP 10 LINES FROM THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK
10) "I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me."
9) "Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?"
8) "There's an awful lot of moisture in here."
7) "But now we must eat. Come, good food, come..."
6) "That's okay, I'd like to keep it on manual control for a while."
5) Hurry up, golden-rod..."
4) "I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh kid?"
3) "Possible he came in through the south entrance."
2) "And I thought they smelled bad on the outside!"
1) "Control, control! You must learn control!"

TOP 10 LINES FROM RETURN OF THE JEDI
10) "Hey, point that thing someplace else."
9) "I look forward to completing your training. In time you will call me master."
8) "You're a jittery little thing, aren't you?"
7) "I never knew I had it in me."
6) "Someone must've told them about my little maneuver at the battle of Taanab."
5) "There is good in him, I've felt it."
4) "I assure you, Lord Vader, my men are working as fast as they can." "Perhaps I can find new ways to motivate them."
3) "Grab me, Chewie. I'm slipping - hold on. Grab it, almost...you almost got it. Gently now, all right, easy, easy, hold me, Chewie. Chewie!"
2) "Hey, Luke, thanks for coming after me - now I owe you one."
1) "Back door, huh? Good idea!"

13 Surprising Facts about Cinco de Mayo

2010-05-04T06:56:00.001+08:00

This is 100% taken from another blog, StarCostumes.com, written by Brenda Hineman. I just thought it would be a good idea to share it here

Quote

Cinco de Mayo is fast approaching. Because the origins of Cinco de Mayo are in Mexico, many Americans are fairly misinformed about what Cinco de Mayo actually is and why it is celebrated. Here, then, are 13 fun facts about Cinco de Mayo. File these away and see how many margaritas you can win in trivia contests this May 5th.

1. Cinco de Mayo is NOT Mexican Independence Day. In America, we say “The 4th of July” when talking about our Independence Day. It would seems natural, then, that “The 5th of May” would be the Mexican equivalent. Not so. Actually, Cinco de Mayo is the anniversary of an 1862 battle between an under-armed, under-manned Mexican army against a well-armed French Army led by Napoleon III. Clearly, the Mexican army won, hence the celebration every 5th of May.

2. So What Is Mexico’s Independence Day? Mexico celebrates its Independence Day – the day it declared its independence from Spanish Rule – on September 16th every year. Mexico declared its independence in 1810, more than 50 years prior to the battle that we commemorate with Cinco de Mayo.

3. The Battle of Puebla was short. When we think of war in a modern sense, we think of prolonged battles that last days, or even weeks, with ground forces trudging forward. The Battle of Puebla commemorated on Cinco de Mayo, however, featured about 12,000 soldiers combined (8,000 French and 4,000 Mexican). Yet, the entire battle lasted just about two hours and changed the course of history in North America.

4. So wait, what were the French doing in Mexico in 1862? Think of them as an armed collections agency. After declaring their independence in 1810, Mexico went through decades of infighting, as well as fighting with America. this cost a lot of money. In 1861, Mexican President, Benito Juarez, declared a 2-year moratorium on loan repayments to foreign nations, including Spain, England, and France in an attempt to avoid bankrupting the country. All three nations invaded Mexico to collect on debts. While Spain and England left, France tried to stay and take over the country. Obviously, it didn’t work out for the French as we celebrate Cinco de Mayo and not Cinq mai.

5. Cinco de Mayo must be HUGE in Mexico! Not really. While the Batalla de Pueblahelped to unify Mexico around one event, the major celebrations of Cinco de Mayo has largely been contained to the village of Puebla, about 100 miles east of Mexico City, where the original battle took place. In reality, Cinco de Mayo is much more popular in America, where citizens of Mexican descent (and those who just like a good margarita) hold festivals from sea to shining sea.

6.Just How Popular is Cinco de Mayo in America? In a word: VERY. Annual Cinco de Mayo festivals in Houston, Chicago, Los Angeles, Denver, and St. Paul, regularly draw hundreds of thousands of people. In fact, the world’s largest Cinco de Mayo celebration is the Festival de Fiesta Broadway held in Los Angeles, California. It routinely draws about 600,000 people to partake in song, spirit, and dance!

7. My grandparents say they don’t remember celebrating Cinco de Mayo when they were kids. What gives? Cinco de Mayo, as we know it today in America, didn’t begin until 1967. Some students from California State University noticed that there weren’t any Mexican holidays celebrated in America like there were for citizens of other descent, like St. Patrick’s Day, Oktoberfest, or Chinese New Year. So they chose Cinco de Mayo as the day to celebrate and gathered Chicano students in unity and celebration. It has gotten a little bigger since then.

8. So they don’t party so much in Mexico, huh? Whoa, hardly. In fact, Cinco de Mayo is just one of more than 365 festivals that are celebrated by Mexicans and people of Mexican descent. No wonder Mexico is such a popular spring break destination!

9. Do they celebrate Cinco de Mayo anywhere besides Mexico and America? While the celebrations aren’t as large or as well-publicized in other nations, some nations mark the day in their own special way. In Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada, for example, a particular sky-diving club holds their annual Cinco de Mayo jump. Meanwhile the Mediterranean island nation of Malta simply encourages the enjoyment of Mexican beer on Cinco de Mayo.

10. Have margaritas always been the unofficial drink of Cinco de Mayo? Hardly. While Tequila holds a long and storied place in Mexican and Mexican-American celebratory traditions, the margarita didn’t even exist in 1862! While tequila, ice, lime, and sugar all existed in 1862, they weren’t brought together in the form of a margarita until about 1930. Maybe that’s another day that deserves celebration. Just sayin’.

11. Are there any traditional Cinco de Mayo songs? While there are no songs specifically for Cinco de Mayo, there are plenty of songs with Cinco de Mayo in the lyrics, including “Isis” by Bob Dylan and “Mexico” by Cake. In fact, the following bands/artists all have songs titled “Cinco de Mayo”: War, Liz Phair, Senses Fail, and Herb Alpert.

12. The banks are open in Mexico on Cinco de Mayo. Because Cinco de Mayo is a national holiday, and not technically a Federal holiday, the banks stay open. It’s sort of like Arbor Day, but with more tequila.

13. Why Cinco de Mayo still matters. As any celebratory holiday, it is important to honor those moments in a nation’s history when it overcomes tremendous odds. That alone would be reason to keep remembering Cinco de Mayo. The other noteworthy element of Cinco de Mayo is that it represents the last time a foreign army waged aggression in North America… 148 years ago.

Finish Quote from StarCostumes.com, written by Brenda Hineman

Boondocks season 3

2010-05-03T21:50:00.000+08:00

Another reason to celebrate: The Boondocks are back!!!

To commemorate, here's a compilation of best moments from past season

Iron Man 2 - Dr Pepper Funny Commercial

2010-05-03T21:25:00.000+08:00

If you ask me, I'll be tempted to ask for the iron suit too...

Teacher Appreciation Week Specials

2010-05-03T21:06:00.001+08:00

Special post for Teacher's Day and Teacher Appreciation Week 2010.
Remember, it is all for fun and laughter, enjoy :D

"You can lead a boy to college, but you cannot make him think."

— Elbert Hubbard

"Colleges don't make fools, they only develop them."

— George Lorimer

"I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me."

— Woody Allen

"Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."

— Mark Twain

"Commencement speeches were invented largely in the belief that outgoing college students should never be released into the world until they have been properly sedated."

— G. B. Trudeau

"I noticed that almost everyone I went to college with has worked at something other than the subject they majored in. I guess that's one of the reasons for campus unrest."

— Kent McCord

"I'm a philosophy major. That means I can think deep thoughts about being unemployed."

— Bruce Lee

"Of course there's a lot of knowledge in universities: the freshmen bring a little in; the seniors don't take much away, so knowledge sort of accumulates."

— A. Lawrence Lowell

"Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man's lifetime income—which he then spends sending his son to college."

— Bill Vaughn

"Definition of a College professor: someone who talks in other people's sleep."

— W. H. Auden

"Yes I'm a bum. But I'm a Harvard bum."

— Simon Wilder, character in With Honors

"If a man is a fool, you don't train him out of being a fool by sending him to university. You merely turn him into a trained fool, ten times more dangerous."

— Desmond Bagley

If all the students who slept through lectures were laid end to end, they’d all be a lot more comfortable.
I have never let schooling interfere with my education.
Education is what remains when one has forgotten everything he learned in school.
College is a refuge from hasty judgment.
Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.
If you feel that you have both feet planted on solid ground, then the university has failed you.
The chief value in going to college is that it’s the only way to learn it really doesn’t matter.
The freshmen bring a little knowledge in and the seniors take none out, so it accumulates through the years.
You can lead a boy to college, but you can’t make him think.
Definition of a College professor: someone who talks in other people’s sleep.
College athletes used to get a degree in bringing your pencil.
Without education we are in a horrible and deadly danger of taking educated people seriously.
An encyclopedia is a system for collecting dust in alphabetical order.
He who can do – he, who cannot, teaches.

Nightmare on Elm Street

2010-05-03T19:42:00.000+08:00

Look what happened when The Schmoes ventured into the suburbs and took a wrong turn onto Elm Street

Harry Potter Quotes

2010-05-02T19:33:00.000+08:00

Harry Potter & Co do make jokes....

Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone
Dudley: They stuff people's heads down the toilet the first day at Stonewall. Want to come upstairs and practice?
Harry: No, thanks. The poor toilet's never had anything as horrible as your head down it -- it might be sick.
Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone
1st Weasley Twin: Oh, are you a prefect, Percy? You should have said something, we had no idea.
2nd Weasley Twin: Hang on, I think I remember him saying something about it. Once --
1st Weasley Twin: Or twice --
2nd Weasley Twin: A minute --
1st Weasley Twin: All summer --
Percy: Oh, shut up!
Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone
Professor McGonagall: Well, thank you for that assessment, Mr Weasley. Perhaps it would be more useful if I were to transfigure Mr Potter and yourself into a pocket watch. That way, one of you might be on time.
Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone
Dumbledore: I was unfortunate enough in my youth to come across a vomit-flavored one, and since then I have rather lost my liking for them. But, I think I could be safe with a nice toffee. (eats it)
Dumbledore: ...Hmm, alas, earwax.
Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone
(in the Devil's Snare)
Hermione: Stop moving, both of you. This is devil's snare! You have to relax. If you don't, it'll only kill you faster!
Ron: Kill us faster? Oh, now I can relax!
Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone
Harry: So light a fire!
Hermione: Yes... of course... but there's no wood!
Ron: HAVE YOU GONE MAD! ARE YOU A WITCH OR NOT!
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Ron: "A Study of Hogwarts' Prefects and Their Later Careers." That sounds fascinating.
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Fred: Oh get out of the way, Percy. Harry's in a hurry.
George: Yeah, he's off to the Chamber of Secrets for a cup of tea with his fanged servant.
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Ron: Why spiders? Why couldn't it be "follow the butterflies"?
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Ron: Can you believe our luck? Of all the trees we could've hit, he had to get one that hits back.
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Draco: Sure you can manage that broom, Potter?
Harry: Yeah, reckon so
Draco: Got plenty of special features, hasn't it? Shame it doesn't come with a parachute-in case you get too near a Dementor. (Crabbe and Goyle sniggered)
Harry: Pity you can't attach an extra arm to yours, Malfoy. Then it could catch the Snitch for you.
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Ron: Right, you've got a crooked sort of cross… (consulting "Unfogging the Future") That means you're going to have 'trials and suffering' -- sorry about that -- but there's a thing that could be a sun… hang on… that means 'great happiness'… so you're going to suffer but be very happy…
Harry: You need your Inner Eye tested, if you ask me…
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Professor Lupin: Now repeat after me -- without wands please -- repeat after me, Riddikulus.
Class: Riddikulus!
Professor Lupin: And again!
Class: Riddikulus!
Malfoy: This class is ridiculous.
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Hermione: Ancient Egyptians used to worship cats, you know.
Ron: Yeah, along with the dungbeetle.
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Professor Trelawney: The study of Divination will give you the rare gift of SIGHT! (stands up, and promptly bumps into her table)
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Professor Trelawney: Would anyone like me to help interpret the shadowy realms within their orb?
Ron (whispering to Harry): I don't need help. It's obvious what this means. There's going to be loads of fog tonight.
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Ron to Pettigrew (with revulsion): I let you sleep in my bed!
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Fred Weasley: Anyone can speak Troll, All you have to do is point and grunt.
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Ron: Don't talk to me.
Hermione: Why not?
Ron: Because I want to fix that in my memory forever…
Ron (his eyes closed): Draco Malfoy, the amazing bouncing ferret...
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Percy: I shudder to think what the state of my in-tray would be if I was away from work for five days.
Fred: Yeah, someone might slip dragon dung in it again, eh, Perce?
Percy: That was a sample of fertilizer from Norway! It was nothing personal!
Fred (whispering to Harry): It was. We sent it.
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Hermione: You seem to be drowning twice.
Ron: Oh, am I? I'd better change one of them to getting trampled by a rampaging Hippogriff.
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Ron: Poor old Snuffles. He must really like you, Harry… Imagine having to live off rats.
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Luna Lovegood: No, I think I'll just go down and have some pudding and wait for it all to turn up... It always does in the end.
Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince
Albus Dumbledore: Let us not deprive Molly any longer of the chance to deplore how thin you are.
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Peeves: We did it, we bashed them, wee Potter's the one, And Voldy's gone moldy, so now let's have fun!
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Fred: He can run faster than Severus Snape confronted with shampoo.
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Enid Smeek : She's nutty as squirrel poo.
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Auntie Muriel : You there, give me a chair, I'm a hundred and seven!

Bash.org Top 20

2010-04-21T10:10:00.001+08:00

Bash.org all-time Top 20!

#23396 +(33897)- [X]

<Donut[AFK]> HEY EURAKARTE

<Donut[AFK]> INSULT

<Eurakarte> RETORT

<Donut[AFK]> COUNTER-RETORT

<Eurakarte> QUESTIONING OF SEXUAL PREFERENCE

<Donut[AFK]> SUGGESTION TO SHUT THE FUCK UP

<Eurakarte> NOTATION THAT YOU CREATE A VACUUM

<Donut[AFK]> RIPOSTE

<Donut[AFK]> ADDON RIPOSTE

<Eurakarte> COUNTER-RIPOSTE

<Donut[AFK]> COUNTER-COUNTER RIPOSTE

<Eurakarte> NONSENSICAL STATEMENT INVOLVING PLANKTON

<Miles_Prower> RESPONSE TO RANDOM STATEMENT AND THREAT TO BAN OPPOSING SIDES

<Eurakarte> WORDS OF PRAISE FOR FISHFOOD

<Miles_Prower> ACKNOWLEDGEMENT AND ACCEPTENCE OF TERMS

#5273 +(30069)- [X]

<erno> hm. I've lost a machine.. literally _lost_. it responds to ping, it works completely, I just can't figure out where in my apartment it is.

#99060 +(28600)- [X]

t0rbad> so there i was in this hallway right

BlackAdder> i believe i speak for all of us when i say...

BlackAdder> WRONG BTICH

BlackAdder> IM SICK OF YOU

BlackAdder> AND YOUR LAME STORIES

BlackAdder> NOBODY HERE THINKS YOURE FUNNY

BlackAdder> NOBODY HERE WANTS TO HEAR YOUR STORIES

BlackAdder> IN FACT

BlackAdder> IF YOU DIED RIGHT NOW

BlackAdder> I DON"T THINK NOBODY WOULD CARE

BlackAdder> SO WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT FAG

*** t0rbad sets mode: +b BlackAdder*!*@*.*

*** BlackAdder has been kicked my t0rbad ( )

t0rbad> so there i was in this hallway right

CRCError> right

heartless> Right.

r3v> right

#244321 +(28535)- [X]

<Cthon98> hey, if you type in your pw, it will show as stars

<Cthon98> ********* see!

<AzureDiamond> hunter2

<AzureDiamond> doesnt look like stars to me

<Cthon98> <AzureDiamond> *******

<Cthon98> thats what I see

<AzureDiamond> oh, really?

<Cthon98> Absolutely

<AzureDiamond> you can go hunter2 my hunter2-ing hunter2

<AzureDiamond> haha, does that look funny to you?

<Cthon98> lol, yes. See, when YOU type hunter2, it shows to us as *******

<AzureDiamond> thats neat, I didnt know IRC did that

<Cthon98> yep, no matter how many times you type hunter2, it will show to us as *******

<AzureDiamond> awesome!

<AzureDiamond> wait, how do you know my pw?

<Cthon98> er, I just copy pasted YOUR ******'s and it appears to YOU as hunter2 cause its your pw

<AzureDiamond> oh, ok.

#4281 +(27825)- [X]

<Zybl0re> get up

<Zybl0re> get on up

<Zybl0re> get up

<Zybl0re> get on up

<phxl|paper> and DANCE

* nmp3bot dances :D-<

* nmp3bot dances :D|-<

* nmp3bot dances :D/-<

<[SA]HatfulOfHollow> i'm going to become rich and famous after i invent a device that allows you to stab people in the face over the internet

#5300 +(22680)- [X]

<tatclass> YOU ALL SUCK DICK

<tatclass> er.

<tatclass> hi.

<andy\code> A common typo.

<tatclass> the keys are like right next to each other.

#99835 +(22308)- [X]

<Guo_Si> Hey, you know what sucks?

<TheXPhial> vaccuums

<Guo_Si> Hey, you know what sucks in a metaphorical sense?

<TheXPhial> black holes

<Guo_Si> Hey, you know what just isn't cool?

<TheXPhial> lava?

#287414 +(21649)- [X]

<DeadMansHand> haha, last night, me and pete went out to celebrate his engagement and got hugely drunk

<DeadMansHand> we got this great idea to bury eachother in the sand close to the water and see who would chicken out first

<DeadMansHand> took about a half hour, but the water got up to my face so i freaked and got out

<DeadMansHand> i looked around for pete and he must've chickened out before me and stumbled home or something heh

<DeadMansHand> What'd he say when he woke up this morning?

<Thirteen-> uhh.. he hasn't come home yet.. i thought he was staying with you?

<DeadMansHand> holy fuck.

<DeadMansHand> i fucking hope im wrong about what im thinking right now

<DeadMansHand> im fucking going back to the beach to make sure

<DeadMansHand> if he gets home, call me, i don't want to be worrying about this

<Thirteen-> will do. you better hope he's not still buried, you'll be in deep shit.

quit: (DeadMansHand)

<Tyran> wtf? pete came home last night you fuck. Ken's going to be worrying about this shit all day

<Thirteen-> haha yea, but it will be fun while it lasts

join: (PeteRepeat) (bob@3F8C4655.11D1C8C.18637D35.IP)

<PeteRepeat> fucking ken

<PeteRepeat> ken... that fucker buried me in the sand last night, i ran off about 5 minutes to it, left him there to be an idiot

<quiqsilver> pete, ken didn't come back last night, i thought he was with you.

<PeteRepeat> oh fuck.

<PeteRepeat> if ken shows up, make sure he doesn't know that im at the beach digging for his body. i don't want him to think i care or anything.

quit: (PeteRepeat)

<Thirteen-> rofl. Those 2 are going to get a huge surprise when they meet at the beach.

<Tyran> i can't beleive how perfect their timing was

#207373 +(18942)- [X]

<anamexis> oh man

<anamexis> I was opening a coke, right

--> Beefpile (~mbeefpile@cloaked.wi.rr.com) has joined #themacmind

<anamexis> and it exploded

<anamexis> ALMOST all over my keyboard

<anamexis> but I got it away just in time

<-- Beefpile has quit (sick fuckers)

<anamexis> :<

#414593 +(18167)- [X]

DragonflyBlade21: A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you're a great guy, but I don't like you in that way. This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we're not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn't work out, we'll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired.

#5775 +(17749)- [X]

* ab is away - gone, if anyone talks in the next 25 minutes as me it's bm being an asshole -

<ab> HAHAHA DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK COCKS

#330261 +(16690)- [X]

<i8b4uUnderground> d-_-b

<BonyNoMore> how u make that inverted b?

<BonyNoMore> wait

<BonyNoMore> never mind

#835030 +(16667)- [X]

<Khassaki> HI EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!

<Judge-Mental> try pressing the the Caps Lock key

<Khassaki> O THANKS!!! ITS SO MUCH EASIER TO WRITE NOW!!!!!!!

<Judge-Mental> fuck me

#4753 +(16551)- [X]

<xterm> The problem with America is stupidity. I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?

#23601 +(15255)- [X]

<mage> what should I give sister for unzipping?

<Kevyn> Um. Ten bucks?

<mage> no I mean like, WinZip?

#111338 +(14880)- [X]

<JonJonB> Purely in the interests of science, I have replaced the word "wand" with "wang" in the first Harry Potter Book

<JonJonB> Let's see the results...

<JonJonB> "Why aren't you supposed to do magic?" asked Harry.

<JonJonB> "Oh, well -- I was at Hogwarts meself but I -- er -- got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They snapped me wang in half an' everything

<JonJonB> A magic wang... this was what Harry had been really looking forward to.

<JonJonB> "Yes, yes. I thought I'd be seeing you soon. Harry Potter." It wasn't a question. "You have your mother's eyes. It seems only yesterday she was in here herself, buying her first wang. Ten and a quarter inches long, swishy, made of willow. Nice wang for charm work."

<JonJonB> "Your father, on the other hand, favored a mahogany wang. Eleven inches. "

<JonJonB> Harry took the wang. He felt a sudden warmth in his fingers. He raised the wang above his head, brought it swishing down through the dusty air and a stream of red and gold sparks shot from the end like a firework, throwing dancing spots of light on to the walls

<JonJonB> "Oh, move over," Hermione snarled. She grabbed Harry's wang, tapped the lock, and whispered, 'Alohomora!"

<JonJonB> The troll couldn't feel Harry hanging there, but even a troll will notice if you stick a long bit of wood up its nose, and Harry's wang had still been in his hand when he'd jumped - it had gone straight up one of the troll's nostrils.

<JonJonB> He bent down and pulled his wang out of the troll's nose. It was covered in what looked like lumpy gray glue.

<JonJonB> He ran onto the field as you fell, waved his wang, and you sort of slowed down before you hit the ground. Then he whirled his wang at the dementors. Shot silver stuff at them.

<JonJonB> Ok

<JonJonB> I have found, definitive proof

<JonJonB> that J.K Rowling is a dirty DIRTY woman, making a fool of us all

<JonJonB> "Yes," Harry said, gripping his wang very tightly, and moving into the middle of the deserted classroom. He tried to keep his mind on flying, but something else kept intruding.... Any second now, he might hear his mother again... but he shouldn't think that, or he would hear her again, and he didn't want to... or did he?

<melusine > O_______O

<JonJonB> Something silver-white, something enormous, erupted from the end of his wang

<JonJonJonB> Then, with a sigh, he raised his wang and prodded the silvery substance with its tip.

<JonJonJonB> 'Get - off - me!' Harry gasped. For a few seconds they struggled, Harry pulling at his uncles sausage-like fingers with his left hand, his right maintaining a firm grip on his raised wang.

#258908 +(14302)- [X]

<Ben174> : If they only realized 90% of the overtime they pay me is only cause i like staying here playing with Kazaa when the bandwidth picks up after hours.

<ChrisLMB> : If any of my employees did that they'd be fired instantly.

<Ben174> : Where u work?

<ChrisLMB> : I'm the CTO at LowerMyBills.com

*** Ben174 (BenWright@TeraPro33-41.LowerMyBills.com) Quit (Leaving)

#349567 +(14224)- [X]

Rabidplaybunny87: Okay, so my neighbors officially hate me

GarbageStan23: why?

Rabidplaybunny87: Well, me, david and andrew were having a bonfire in the backyard, and we were making s'mores and all... and suddenly we here sirens, and see a firetruck turn into the street in front of us.

Rabidplaybunny87: So we all went running to see what was up, and our neigbor's house was on fire!

GarbageStan23: oh shit!

Rabidplaybunny87: Yeah, and when we got there, the wife was crying into her husbands arms, and we were just kinda standing there, and then she saw us, and then like for 10 seconds, gave us the dirtiest look ever

Rabidplaybunny87: Turns out, we were still holding our sticks with marshmallows on it, watching the fire....

Rabidplaybunny87: talk about bad timing...

#405221 +(14021)- [X]

<T-Wolf> man, my girlfriend left me for some faggot named robert

<RdAwG20> you don't live in Hope mills do you?

<T-Wolf> ya, why man?

<RdAwG20> lol, just wondering, was her namne alisson?

<T-Wolf> you mother fucker

#602698 +(13807)- [X]

<death09>my girlfriend broke up with me and sent me pix of her and her new boyfriend in bed

<ktp753>ouch.

<death09>yeah.i sent them to her dad

Space Shuttle Landing

2010-04-21T09:39:00.000+08:00

Space shuttle landing in Cape Town. Quite funny, enjoy!

Funny Family Quotes

2010-04-21T09:28:00.000+08:00

Some funny family quotes, happy Mother's Day!

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap....He was in the electric chair.
- Rodney Dangerfield

I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance -waiting for the bathroom.
- Bob Hope

To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness. (The Importance of Being Earnest, 1895)
- Oscar Wilde

One loyal friend is worth ten thousand relatives.
- Euripides

The family, that dear octopus from whose tentacles we never quite escape, nor in our innermost hearts never quite wish to.
- Dodie Smith

I am an only child. I have one sister.
- Woody Allen

If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'you know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty.
- Jeff Foxworthy

Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.
- Douglas Adams

I wish to thank my parents for making it all possible...and I wish to thank my children for making it necessary.
- Victor Borge

The happiest moments of my life have been the few which I have passed at home in the bosom of my family.
- Thomas Jefferson

Accidents will occur in the best regulated families.
- Charles Dickens

Perhaps the greatest social service that can be rendered by anybody to this country and to mankind is to bring up a family.
- Bernard Shaw

A happy family is but an earlier heaven.
- Bernard Shaw

Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.
- Leo Tolstoy

The voice of parents is the voice of gods, for to their children they are heaven’s lieutenants.
- Shakespeare

The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.
- Theodore Hesburgh

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close- knit family in another city.
- George Burns

Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.
- Leo Tolstoy

Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family:
Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one.
- Jane Howard

I never forget my wife’s birthday. It’s usually the day after she reminds me about it.
- Anonymous

The family is one of nature’s masterpieces.
- George Santayana

In every conceivable manner, the family is link to our past, bridge to our future.
- Alex Haley

In each family a story is playing itself out, and each family’s story embodies its hope and despair.
- Auguste Napier

Like all the best families, we have our share of eccentricities, of impetuous and wayward youngsters and of family disagreements.
- Elizabeth II

Important families are like potatoes. The best parts are underground.
- Francis Bacon

It is easier for a father to have children than The happiest moments of my life have been the few which I have passed at home in the bosom of my family.
- Thomas Jefferson

Accidents will occur in the best regulated families.
- Charles Dickens

Perhaps the greatest social service that can be rendered by anybody to this country and to mankind is to bring up a family.
- Bernard Shaw

A happy family is but an earlier heaven.
- Bernard Shaw

Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.
- Leo Tolstoy

The voice of parents is the voice of gods, for to their children they are heaven’s lieutenants.
- Shakespeare

The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.
- Theodore Hesburgh

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close- knit family in another city.
- George Burns

Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.
- Leo Tolstoy

Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family:
Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one.
- Jane Howard

I never forget my wife’s birthday. It’s usually the day after she reminds me about it.
- Anonymous

The family is one of nature’s masterpieces.
- George Santayana

In every conceivable manner, the family is link to our past, bridge to our future.
- Alex Haley

In each family a story is playing itself out, and each family’s story embodies its hope and despair.
- Auguste Napier

Like all the best families, we have our share of eccentricities, of impetuous and wayward youngsters and of family disagreements.
- Elizabeth II

Important families are like potatoes. The best parts are underground.
- Francis Bacon

It is easier for a father to have children than for children to have a real father.
- Pope John XXIII

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half shut afterwards.
- Benjamin Franklin

The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended- and not to take a hint when a hint is not intended.
- Robert Frost

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half shut afterwards.
- Benjamin Franklin

Funny Easter Eggs

2010-04-02T16:19:00.000+08:00

Very simple yet funny easter eggs, taken from Uleven.com

April Fools Pranks for Work Part V

2010-04-01T09:54:00.001+08:00

These's are list of harmless April Fool pranks taken from AprilFoolZone.com

Part I Click HERE
Part II Click HERE
Part III Click HERE
Part IV Click HERE

Part V

Topsy Turvy

This prank is elaborate but fun: Remove all the drawers from the victim’s desk. Flip the entire desk upside down, replace the drawers, then flip the desk back. Now when the victim open the drawers, all the stuff will fall out straight to the floor.

Who's That Guy?

Photoshop his face into a bunch of funny scenarios and put them up all over the office.

Redecor-Hate

First, determine what your victim’s least favorite thing is—sports team, political view, movie, music, etc. Then cover his or her work area with posters and items celebrating that thing. (For example, if he’s a Chargers fan, cover his office with Raiders gear.)

Monkey Trouble

Borrow all the pictures from his desk and office. Scan the photos, and use a photo-editing program to put monkey faces onto everyone’s faces. Print them out and place them back on the victim’s desk.

Pick Up the Phone!

Take a small piece of wire and wrap it around the handset cord of the victim’s phone. Place it so both ends of the cord are attached together. Then wait until the victim receives a phone call and watch while they lift the handset and they pick up the entire phone along with it.

April Fools Pranks for Work Part IV

2010-04-01T09:52:00.001+08:00

These's are list of harmless April Fool pranks taken from AprilFoolZone.com

Part I Click HERE
Part II Click HERE
Part III Click HERE
Part V Click HERE

Part IV

A Call From Above

If you work in an office with a suspended ceiling: Hide his phone in the ceiling tiles above your victim’s desk. When they arrive…give them a call!

Have a Seat

Take all the chairs you can find from other offices, the conference room, etc., and fill up your victim’s office as full as possible.

Oh So Pretty

Replace everything on your (male) victim’s desk with similar items, but make them as “girly” as possible (pink pens, lacy picture frames, bows, flowers, etc.). Remember to change his screen saver too!

Lucky Ducky

Find a small rubber ducky, remove the jug from the office water cooler, and squeeze the duck inside. Replace the jug and wait for the fun!

Blown Away

Put confetti in your victim’s fan (tape the bottom to hold in the confetti if necessary).

Future Flood

Take a cup full of water and a jumbo note card. Hold the note card on top of the cup and turn it over carefully, placing it on your victim's desk upside down. Slide the note card out from underneath and the cup will be stuck there. (But be sure there is nothing nearby that can be harmed if it spills!)

Can You Hear Me Now?

Place a piece of clear tape over the microphone part of the phone. Laugh as your victim struggles to talk to their callers.

Stringing Them Along

Using fishing line or black thread, tie everything on your victim’s desk--stapler, tape dispenser, pencil cup, etc.--to his chair. When he pulls the chair out, everything on his desk will go crashing to the floor! Or, attach everything on your victim’s desk to the back of one or more of his desk drawers (string the line through the holes in the top of the desk). When he open the drawer, all his stuff will go crashing across his desk.

Office Full

This prank is for a co-worker who has an office with a glass window in the door. Find a box slightly bigger than the window, cut off one end and tape it to the door around the window (with the open end at the top). Fill the box with empty cans, balloons, packing peanuts, or other item of your choice. When your victim looks in the window it will look like the entire room is filled! For added effect, put a chair or something behind the door to make it hard to open.

Rude Awakening

Plug a radio into the power strip that your victim’s computer is plugged in to. Turn the volume all the way up. Now turn the power strip off. Your victim will at first be puzzled why their computer won’t turn on; and then will get a big surprise when they flip their power strip on.

April Fools Pranks for Work Part III

2010-04-01T09:50:00.001+08:00

These's are list of harmless April Fool pranks taken from AprilFoolZone.com

Part I Click HERE
Part III Click HERE
Part IV Click HERE
Part V Click HERE

Part III

Trapped in Plain Sight

Take a token item from the victim - place it in a Jello mold, freeze it in a bottle of water, place in the center of a rubber band ball, etc. Keep taking the item and pranking the victim repeatedly.

Where Do I Go?

This trick works great if you work in an office building that has two entrances. Print up two signs that say "Please Use Other Door." Put one on each door, with arrows pointing toward the opposite door.

Pager Madness

If the victim has an alpha-numeric pager, call them up and leave a message like “REPLACE BATTERY,” “PAGER ERROR,” or “SERVICE PAGER.” Call several times in a row.

Stop the Calls

If the victim has a phone with a hook that presses down when the handset is in the cradle, tape it down. When he or she answers a call the phone will keep ringing.

Tidal Wave

Take about 20 (or more) paper or plastic cups, place them on the victim’s desk and fill them with water. Then take a stapler and staple them all together. You can also put the cups on the floor blocking their door, or just about anywhere.

Switcheroo

Remove your victim’s desk chair and replace it with a bench from outside (the heavier the better!).

Just One Please

Take all of the victim’s paperclips and hook them together in one long string.
Submitted by Doug Ely

While You Were Out

Leave a phone message for the victim that says that a “Mr. Lyon” called (or Mr. Behr also works), and wants to be called back. Then list the phone number of the local zoo.

Dude, Where's My Car?

Borrow your victim's car keys and make a duplicate. Then, every day or so, move the car a few parking spaces over, or turn it around so it’s parked backwards in the space. Eventually start moving it to another part of the lot altogether. Classic.
Submitted by Skrivan

Copier Surprise

Print out some pictures of a scantily-dressed girl, or other racy image. Mix them into the paper tray of the office copier or printer. When the victim makes copies, they’ll have a big surprise!

April Fools Pranks for Work Part II

2010-04-01T09:46:00.001+08:00

These's are list of harmless April Fool pranks taken from AprilFoolZone.com

Part I Click HERE
Part III Click HERE
Part IV Click HERE
Part V Click HERE

Part II

Musical Chairs

Take the fancy office chair out of the boss’s office and switch it with the ugliest chair. Whoever had the ugliest chair will probably be happily surprised to see their “new” chair, and the boss will probably be embarrassed to have to come and take it away. Of course, you better make sure your boss has a good sense of humor!

Soft Hat

For a person who is required to wear a hard hat at work: hide their hat replace their hat with one you have painted bright pink, or otherwise decorated in an embarrassing way. Unless they can find someone who will loan them one, they’ll be forced to wear it all day.

Did You Call Me?

If you have an office phone system that allows conference calling, you can prank two people at once. Call the first victim’s extension, then very quickly call the second victim and push the conference button. Now both people will think the other person called them and will begin arguing over who called whom!

Time Off Trickery

Coordinate everyone in your office to play a practical joke on your boss. Throughout the day, each person should email, voicemail or leave a note for the boss, saying they need extended time off. Each person should give a different explanation: pregnancy, sick family member, etc. Submitted by Jennifer

Invisible Ink

Go into the victim’s office and locate every pencil and pen in their desk. Paint the tips with clear nail polish. When they try to write, none of them will work. (After the prank is revealed, the nail polish can be removed by dipping the pens and pencils in polish remover.)

Take the Call

Use glue to secure the victim’s handset to the phone (be sure to use glue that can be removed…check the label first because some glue will destroy plastic). Then go to a nearby phone, call their number and watch while they lift the entire phone to their ear.

Can You Do It

If he has an overhead bin style cabinet, layer the bottom with paper, then attach the paper to the door (with tape or something) so it comes out when the door to the cabinet is open. Then fill it with empty soda cans. When he opens the door to his cabinet, viola, all the cans will come crashing out and it will be most embarrassing for him.
Submitted by Little Evie

No Comprende

Borrow the victim’s cell phone when they aren’t around and change the language setting to a foreign language. Then watch and laugh as they struggle to translate the setting instructions on their phone.

Strung Up

Attach a string to the back of the victim’s desk drawer. Then run it up the wall, into the suspended ceiling, to a small container attached to the ceiling directly over the victim’s head. When the drawer is opened the string will be pulled, dropping a shower of confetti onto the victim’s head.

Kidnapped

Take an item from the victim’s office (something they use a lot such as a special coffee cup, stapler, pencil cup, etc.). Take a picture of the item and leave it on the victim’s desk (in the same spot where the item was located), along with a “ransom” note.

April Fools Pranks for Work Part I

2010-04-01T09:43:00.002+08:00

These's are list of harmless April Fool pranks taken from AprilFoolZone.com

Part II Click HERE
Part III Click HERE
Part IV Click HERE
Part V Click HERE

Part I:

Clipped

Make some copies of a paperclip. Then put them into the paper tray of the copier. People will go nuts trying to find the paperclip stuck in the printer.

Stale Joke

Buy a box of donuts several days before April 1st. Keep them in the refrigerator with the top open until they are very dried out. On April Fool’s Day put them by the office coffee maker so everyone will help themselves!

Drawer Confusion

Remove the desk drawers in the victim’s desk and switch them around. (If you can’t remove the drawers, just take out the stuff and swap it around.)

Weakling

Steal all the victim’s pens and replace them with pens that have the caps glued on.

Hold My Calls

Coordinate several people to help you play this prank. Have them take turns throughout the day calling the victim and asking for “Larry.” At the end of the day, have someone make the final call and say “This is Larry. Do you have any messages for me?”

Turn It Off!

Find an old toy with button-activated sound (music, baby crying, etc.). Tape it to the back of the victim’s desk drawer, so that when the drawer is completely shut the button is activated. Leave the drawer open a crack, and wait for victim to arrive.

Foiled Again

This office prank should be performed in an office where a lot of people are willing to “gang up” against one victim. Buy several restaurant-size rolls of aluminum foil. Then wait until the victim leaves for the day on March 31. Go into their cubicle or office and wrap everything in foil: desk, chair, computer, books, pencils, etc. If enough people help, this doesn’t take too long. Be sure to take lots of pictures!

Lost Lockers

Do you have lockers at your work? Are they moveable? If so, sneak in the night before April 1st and switch them around. It creates great confusion the next day!

Under Pressure

Tie a piece of cord under the victim’s office chair to hold down the lever that adjusts the chair height. (When you sit on the chair it will slide all the way down, but as soon as you stand up the chair will rise all the way up.) All the ups and downs will drive the victim crazy.

Hurry Up In There

Take a pair of pants, stuff them and attach a pair of shoes. Place them in the bathroom stall so it looks like someone is “sitting.” Lock the door and crawl out under the door. If the bathroom has more than one stall, you’ll need to make enough “dummies” to fill them all. For added effect, make a tape recording of authentic “sound effects” and play it on a loop from inside the stall. This is one of the more elaborate office pranks, but worth the effort!

Disney's Secrets You (Might) Haven't Heard

2010-03-31T10:10:00.002+08:00

These are some of Disney's ton of secrets revealed by listropolis.com in 2008. You can decide whether they are funny of shocking...

All words are taken from listropolis.com. Pictures are from listropolis.com and Snopes.com.

"A Listropolis Original

I worked at the Magic Kingdom for 7 years, and was able to take with me a ton of secrets that ruin the “Magic” of Disney. Since I’m now burdened with these secrets, I figured I’d share 6 of them that most people have no clue about. If you’re a die-hard Disney fan that still believes in fairy tales and pixie dust, this list isn’t for you.

1. There are tunnels under the Magic Kingdom – the tunnels are large enough to drive vehicles through, and serve as a way for cast members to access areas of the park specific to their costume. I did a much larger post about the Disney tunnels on another site that goes into details, and provides a list of park access points from the tunnels. These access points are scattered throughout the park, but most people never notice them.

2. Main Street Illusion – All of the buildings on Main Street in the Magic Kingdom and Disneyland, are built using forced perspective, making it seem as if Main Street will never end as you walk into the park, and making it seem very short when you’re leaving. The windows on the second floor were all created much smaller than the windows on the first floor, and the building slightly angle towards the castle.

3. Hidden Mickeys – this is probably the best known of all the Disney secrets. If you’ve never heard of hidden Mickey’s, they are just mickey heads scattered throughout everything done by Disney – EVERYTHING. There are plenty of sites that cover the locations of the hidden Mickey’s, but I doubt anyone knows where all of them are. They are on every Disney attraction, in most Disney movies, formed by buildings and gardens that can only be discovered by air, and many other places you’d never expect.

4. X-Rated Fun – Not the x-rated you’re expecting, but many Disney videos have dirty little secrets hidden in them. The most notorious is the penis hidden in the castle on the cover of the Little Mermaid, and the word “sex” being formed from dust in the Lion King. There’s also a pornographic legend about the “Partner’s Statue” in front of the castle, which is a statue of Walt and Mickey holding hands, and if you turn a certain way, you see a whole lot more than you bargained for.

5. Flash Mountain – No, not Splash Mountain, Flash Mountain(NSFW). Flash Mountain isn’t really a place. It’s actually a phenomenon where woman flash their breasts as they’re going down Splash Mountain. It’s much more common than you’d expect, and if you watch the logs coming over the drop, you’re bound to experience Flash Mountain. A picture is snapped as you go over the falls, and now they are heavily monitored for flashes, middle fingers, and gang signs. If any of those show up, the picture won’t print, and you’ll be left with only a story to tell.

6. No Deaths at Disney – I’m not sure if this one is still true, but as of a couple of years ago, it was ok for Disney to say they had never had a death at the park. If someone were to be fatally injured at the park, they would not be pronounced deceased until they arrived at the hospital – away from the park. Nothing happy fun about this subject, but it’s a dark secret, and not many people know about it.

Tracy Morgan Erykah Badu - Call Tyrone

2010-03-30T09:22:00.000+08:00

A song by Tracy Morgan called Call Simone (parody of Erykah Badu's Call Tyrone)

Ricky martin funny dub kurdish

2010-03-30T09:16:00.000+08:00

I don't understand the words, but the synchronization makes it look funny

Ben 10 Funny Pics

2010-03-27T11:56:00.003+08:00

A friend sent me this pics. I'm not really a fan, so I hope some of you are... that way I'm not wasting my time posting this :D

Halfway House - Only Fools And Horses jolly boys outing

2010-03-27T10:09:00.000+08:00

It has been aired more than two decades ago, but mind you, it can still tickle our bones. Its Only Fools and Horses...

Car Insurance Quotes part 4

2010-03-27T01:22:00.003+08:00

These are true car insurance claims. But being true doesn't not make them less funny, in fact I found it more amusing to think that there were some people who really wrote that in their car insurance claims

Part 1 Click HERE
Part 2 Click HERE
Part 3 Click HERE

Part 4:
61. 'I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.'

62. 'A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.'

63. 'A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.'

64. 'I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket.'

65. 'In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.'

66. 'I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.'

67. I remember nothing after missing the Crown Hotel until I came to and saw PC Brown.

68. 'To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian.'

69. 'My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.'

70. 'An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.'

71. 'I am sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.'

72. I misjudged a lady crossing the street.
¦

73. 'I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman, as he bounced off the roof of my car.'

74. ' The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.'

75. 'I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.'

76. As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

77. I told the police that I was not insured, but on removing my hat I found that I had a fractured skull.

78. The telephone pole was approaching and I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front end of my car.

79. 'I am responsible for the accident as I was miles away at the time.'

80. 'A customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were:

Q - What warning was given by you?

A - Horn.

Q - What warning was given by the other party?

A - Moo.

81. ' While proceeding through 'Monkey Jungle', the vehicle was enveloped by small fat brown grinning monkeys. Number three fat brown monkey (with buck teeth) proceeded to swing in an anticlockwise direction on the radio aerial. Repeated requests to desist were ignored. Approximately 2 minutes and 43 seconds later, small fat brown monkey disappeared in 'Monkey Jungle' clutching radio aerial.'

Car Insurance Quotes part 3

2010-03-27T01:19:00.003+08:00

These are true car insurance claims. But being true doesn't not make them less funny, in fact I found it more amusing to think that there were some people who really wrote that in their car insurance claims

Part 1 Click HERE
Part 2 Click HERE
Part 4 Click HERE

Part 3:
41. 'A car drove away at speed catching our client who went up in the air and his head went through the windscreen and then rolled off at the traffic lights a good few feet away. The car then sped off and miraculously our client remained conscious and managed to cross the road.'

42. Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
A: Travelled by bus?

43. 'On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke.'

44. 'I had one eye on a parked car, another on approaching lorries, and another on the woman behind.'

45. 'I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard.'

46. 'On the M6 I moved from the centre lane to the fast lane but the other car didn't give way.'

47. 'Three men approached me from the minibus. I thought they were coming to apologise. Two of the men grabbed hold of me by the arms, and the first slapped me several times across the face. I knee' d the man in the groin, but didn't connect properly, so I kicked him in the shin.'

48. 'I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control..

49. 'I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight' .

50. 'I was on my way to see an unconscious patient who had convulsions and was blocked by a tanker.'

51. Mr. X is in hospital and says I can use his car and take his wife while he is there. What shall I do about it?

52. 'No witnesses would admit having seen the mishap until after it happened.'

53. 'I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk.'

54. Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a hazardous nature? A: I watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan.

55. 'First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car.'

56. 'Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo.'

57. 'The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again.'

58. 'We had completed the turn and had just straightened the car when Miss X put her foot down hard and headed for the ladies' loo.'

59. 'I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

60. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.'

Car Insurance Quotes part 2

2010-03-27T01:17:00.003+08:00

These are true car insurance claims. But being true doesn't not make them less funny, in fact I found it more amusing to think that there were some people who really wrote that in their car insurance claims

Part 1 Click HERE
Part 3 Click HERE
Part 4 Click HERE

Part 2:

21. I was scraping my nearside on the bank when the accident happened.

22. After the accident a working gentleman offered to be a witness in my favour.

23. I collided with a stationary tree.

24. There was no damage done to the car, as the gatepost will testify.

25. Ice on the road applied brakes causing skid.

26. One wheel went into a ditch. My foot jumped from brake to accelerator pedal, leapt across the road to the other side and jumped into the trunk of a tree.

27. The water in my radiator accidentally froze at 12 midnight.

28. I was taking a friend home and keeping two yards from each lamp post which were in a straight line. Unfortunately, there was a bend in the road bringing the right-hand lamp post in line with the other and of course I landed in a ditch.

29. I bumped into a lamp post which was obscured by human beings.

30. I bumped into a shop window and sustained injuries to my wife.

31. I heard a horn blow and was struck violently in the back. Evidently a lady was trying to pass me.

32. Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I haven't got.

33. I can't give details of the accident as I was somewhat concussed at the time.

34. I blew my horn but it would not work as it was stolen. ♪

35. A lamp post bumped into my car, damaging it in two places.

36. My car was stolen and I set up a human cry, but it has not been recovered.

37. The car in front stopped suddenly and I crashed gently into his luggage grid.

38. I left my car unattended for a minute, and whether by accident or design it ran away..

39. I was proceeding along the road at moderate speed when another car rushed out of a side turning and turned upside down in a ditch. It was his fault as he said..

40. 'I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought.'

Car Insurance Quotes part 1

2010-03-27T01:13:00.003+08:00

These are true car insurance claims. But being true doesn't not make them less funny, in fact I found it more amusing to think that there were some people who really wrote that in their car insurance claims

Part 2 Click HERE
Part 3 Click HERE
Part 4 Click HERE

Part 1:

1. 'I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.'

2. I knocked over a man. He admitted it was his fault as he had been run over before.

3. I collided with a stationary tramcar coming the other way.

4. I consider that neither vehicle was to blame but if either were to blame it was the other one (Irish).

5. I left my Austin Seven outside and when I came out later to my amazement there was an Austin Twelve.

6. Car had to turn sharper than was necessary owing to an invisible lorry.

7. To avoid a collision I ran into the other car.

8. 'The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.'

9. The other car collided with mine without giving any warning of its intention.

10. The other man altered his mind so I had to run into him.

11. I told the other idiot what he was and went on.

12. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

13. I unfortunately ran over a pedestrian and the old gentleman was taken to hospital, much regretting the circumstances.

14. I thought the side window was down but it was up, as I found when I put my head through it.

15. If the other driver had stopped a few yards behind himself the accident would not have happened.

16. She suddenly saw me, lost her head and we met.

17. Cow wandered into my car. I was afterwards informed that the cow was half-witted.

18. Three women were talking to each other and when two stepped back and one stepped forward I had to have an accident.

19. There were plenty of lookers-on but no witnesses.

20. A bull was standing near and a fly must have tickled him because he gored my car.

How To Train Your Dragon

2010-03-27T00:37:00.000+08:00

A hapless young Viking who aspires to hunt dragons becomes the unlikely owner of a young dragon himself, and learns there may be more to the creatures than he assumed.

Okay, it's not a funny silly hilarious candid clip. It's a trailer. But the book is funny, so is the movie... so, i put the trailer here nevertheless

Funny Computer Quotes

2010-03-26T14:43:00.000+08:00

Yes, another post on quotes... well, they're funny, so why not? :D

"If at first you don't succeed; call it version 1.0"

"The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are FBI agents."

"Some things Man was never meant to know. For everything else, there's Google."

"unzip; strip; touch; finger; mount; fsck; more; yes; unmount; sleep" - my daily unix command list

"... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs." - Robert Firth

"If Python is executable pseudocode, then perl is executable line noise."

"The more I C, the less I see."

"To err is human... to really foul up requires the root password."

"After Perl everything else is just assembly language."

"If brute force doesn't solve your problems, then you aren't using enough."

"Life would be so much easier if we only had the source code."

"Unix is user-friendly. It's just very selective about who its friends are."

"COBOL programmers understand why women hate periods."

"There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don't."

"640K ought to be enough for anybody." - This is not humorous by itself; but in the context it's a classic by Bill Gates in 1981

Microsoft: "You've got questions. We've got dancing paperclips."

"Microsoft is not the answer. Microsoft is the question. NO is the answer." - Erik Naggum

"Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Computers are from hell."

"SUPERCOMPUTER: what it sounded like before you bought it."

"Windows95: It's like upgrading from Reagan to Bush.

"People say Microsoft paid 14M$ for using the Rolling Stones song 'Start me up' in their commercials. This is wrong. Microsoft payed 14M$ only for a part of the song. For instance, they didn't use the line 'You'll make a grown man cry'."

"I'm not anti-social; I'm just not user friendly"

"A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light"

"The best accelerator available for a Mac is one that causes it to go at 9.81 m/s2."

"A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila"

"1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d"

"To go forward, you must backup."

"I would love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code"

"A Windows user spends 1/3 of his life sleeping, 1/3 working, 1/3 waiting."

"My software never has bugs. It just develops random features."

"Better to be a geek than an idiot."

"Windows isn't a virus, viruses do something."

"Geek's favorite pickup line: Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform? "

"Be nice to geeks when you're in school, you might end-up working for one when you grow-up."

"Difference between a virus and windows ? Viruses rarely fail."

"Evolution is God's way of issuing upgrades."

"The only problem with troubleshooting is that sometimes trouble shoots back."

"It's a little-known fact that the Y1K problem caused the Dark Ages."

"The box said 'Required Windows 95 or better'. So, I installed LINUX."

"Computer are like air conditioners: they stop working when you open windows."

"once upon a midnight dreary, while i pron surfed, weak and weary,
over many a strange and spurious site of 'hot xxx galore'.
While i clicked my fav'rite bookmark, suddenly there came a warning, and my heart was filled with mourning, mourning for my dear amour,
" 'Tis not possible!", i muttered, "give me back my free hardcore!"
quoth the server, 404."

"Mac users swear by their Mac,
PC users swear at their PC."

"Like car accidents, most hardware problems are due to driver error."

"Dating a girl is just like writing software. Everything's going to work just fine in the testing lab (dating), but as soon as you have contract with a customer (marriage), then your program (life) is going to be facing new situations you never expected. You'll be forced to patch the code (admit you're wrong) and then the code (wife) will just end up all bloated and unmaintainable in the end."

"Real men don't use backups, they post their stuff on a public ftp server and let the rest of the world make copies." - Linus Torvalds

"There are 10 kinds of people in the world, those that understand trinary, those that don't, and those that confuse it with binary."

"If you give someone a program, you will frustrate them for a day; if you teach them how to program, you will frustrate them for a lifetime."

"It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa."

"I had a fortune cookie the other day and it said: 'Outlook not so good'. I said: 'Sure, but Microsoft ships it anyway'."

"The nice thing about standards is that there are so many to choose from."

"The term reboot comes from the middle age (before computers). Horses who stopped in mid-stride required a boot to the rear to start again. Thus the term to rear-boot, later abbreviated into reboot."

"Programmers are tools for converting caffeine into code."

"The great thing about Object Oriented code is that it can make small, simple problems look like large, complex ones."

This one is from Geek24.com

Funny love quotes

2010-03-26T14:33:00.000+08:00

Love can be funny sometimes...

Never go to bed mad -- stay up and fight." - Phyllis Diller

"To be in love is merely to be in a state of perceptual anesthesia." - H.L. Mencken

"Once you have loved someone, you'd do anything in the world for them... except love them again." - Anonymous

"Love is like war: Easy to begin but hard to end." - Anonymous

"Love has the power of making you believe what you would normally treat with the deepest suspicion." - Mirabeau

"Three things can't be hidden: coughing, poverty, and love." - Yiddish proverb

"The most wasted day is that in which we have not laughed." - Chamfort

"I detest 'love lyrics.' I think one of the causes of bad mental health in the United States is that people have been raised on 'love lyrics." - Frank Zappa

"No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying." - unknown

"An old man who marries a young wife grows younger - but she grows older." - folk saying

"It is not uncommon for slight acquaintances to get married, but a couple really have to know each other to get divorced." - Anonymous

"I love being married. It's so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life." - Rita Rudner

"The people people have for friends, Your common sense appall, But the people people marry, Are the queerest folk of all." - Charlotte Perkins Gilman

"Love is like quicksilver in the hand. Leave the fingers open and it stays. Clutch it, and it darts away." - Dorothy Parker

"Do not marry a man to reform him. That is what reform schools are for." - Mae West

"A happy home is one in which each spouse grants the possibility that the other may be right, though neither believes it." - Don Fraser

"If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?" - unknown

"There are three kinds of men who do not understand women: Young, old, and middle-aged." - Anonymous (and with good reason)

"Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song, A medley of extemporanea; And love is a thing that can never go wrong; And I am Marie of Roumania." - Dorothy Parker

"Marriage is a fine institution - but I'm not ready for an institution." - Mae West

"If you do kiss a politician, remember this: You are not only kissing him, you are kissing every butt that he has kissed in the last eight years." - Jay Leno

"To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer. To suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy then is to suffer. But suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you're getting this down." - Woody Allen

Taken from About.com

Cool Mail Boxes

2010-03-26T09:42:00.001+08:00

I live in an apartment building, so my mail box is just one small box among rows and columns of other small boxes situated at the ground floor. Seeing cool mail boxes like these below kind of make me jealous ;)

Taken from All4YourFun.com, enjoy the pics!

Groom updates his Facebook relationship status during wedding ceremony

2010-03-26T08:40:00.000+08:00

I don't know what to say to this. Is it sweet or is this creepy... This guy updated his Facebook's relationship status right in middle of his wedding ceremony...

When parents is in your FB list...

2010-03-25T12:38:00.002+08:00

This is some pictures from Failbook, where people talks about private things on facebook as if their parents are not IT-literate... enjoy!

Okay, that's enough... if you want more, go check Failbooking.com yourself. Remind you though, NSFW!

Gen Y amuses us

2009-09-09T15:56:00.000+08:00

A first grade teacher had twenty-five students in her class and she presented each child in her class the first half of a well known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It’s hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you.

While reading these keep in mind that these are first graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!

1. Don’t change horses ……. until they stop running.

2. Strike while the ……........ bug is close.

3. It’s always darkest before …… Daylight Saving Time.

4. Never underestimate the power of ………… termites.

5. You can lead a horse to water but …….. how?

6. Don’t bite the hand that …………….. looks dirty.

7. No news is …………………………… impossible.

8. A miss is as good as a ………… Mr.

9. You can’t teach an old dog new …………… math.

10. If you lie down with dogs, you’ll ………….. stink in the morning.

11. Love all, trust ………… me.

12. The pen is mightier than the ……………… pigs.

13. An idle mind is ………… the best way to relax.

14. Where there’s smoke there’s …………… pollution.

15. Happy the bride who ……… gets all the presents.

16. A penny saved is ………………. not much.

17. Two’s company, three’s ………… the Musketeers.

18. Don’t put off till tomorrow what ……… you put on to go to bed.

19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and ……… you have to blow your nose.

20. There are none so blind as …………Stevie Wonder.

21. Children should be seen and not …………… spanked or grounded.

22. If at first you don’t succeed ……… get new batteries.

23. You get out of something only what you ……. see in the picture on the box.

24. When the blind lead the blind …. get out of the way.

And the WINNER and the last one…

25. Better late than ………… pregnant!

Quotable Quotes....again...

2008-05-29T15:10:00.001+08:00

Here's some quotes I found (on the net, of course)... Enjoy!

If time doesn't wait for you, don't worry! Just remove the damn battery from the clock and Enjoy life! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Expecting the world to treat u fairly coz u r a gud person is like expecting the lion not to attack u coz u r a vegetarian. Think about it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Don't walk as if you rule the world, walk as if you don't care who rules the world! That's called Attitude…! Keep on rocking! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Every lady hopes that her daughter will marry a better man than she did and is convinced that her son will never find a wife as good as his father did !!! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man threw his wife in a pond of Crocodiles? He's now being harassed by the Animal Rights Activists for being cruel to the Crocodiles ! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- So many options for suicide: Poison, sleeping pills, hanging, jumping from a building, lying on train tracks, but we chose Marriage, slow & sure! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Only 20 percent boys have brains, rest have girlfriends! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- All desirable things in life are either illegal, banned, expensive or married to someone else! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Laziness is our biggest enemy.We should learn to love our enemies!

The Trainee

2008-05-29T15:05:00.000+08:00

A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.....

On his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone: "Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded: "You fool; you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"

"No" replied the trainee.

"It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!"

The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you IDIOT?"

"No!" replied the Managing Director angrily.

"Thank God!" replied the trainee and put down the phone....

English All Over the World

2008-05-29T15:03:00.003+08:00

I'm not sure whether I've posted this before, and I'm too lazy to check around. So I'll just post it. These are the English signs in different countries all over the world....

Funny Foreign English Phrases

1. Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

2. At a Budapest zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS.
IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.

3. Doctor's office in Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

4. Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner. Japan:
COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL
YOURSELF.

5. In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

6. On the grounds of a Nairobi private school:
NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.

7. In Aamchi Mumbai restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.

8. The best! In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

9. Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

10. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS,
ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

11. Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM,
IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

12. Advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.

13. A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

14. Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia:
TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.

15. Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

16. The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.

17. Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

18. In a Japanese cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

Shortest Love Story EVER....

2008-05-29T14:59:00.001+08:00

ONCE UPON A TIME A GUY ASKED A GIRL
"will you marry me?"
SHE SAID "NO"...........
AND THE GUY LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER.
THE END

I SAID 'THE END'. THE STORY IS OVER. NOW GET YOUR LAZY A** UP AND DO SOME WORK!!!

Join the queue...

2008-05-29T14:43:00.001+08:00

A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A funeral coffin was followed by a second one about 50 feet behind the first. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single file. The man couldn't stand his curiosity.

He respectfully approached the man walking the dog,
"I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single file. Whose funeral is it?"

The man replied, "Well, that first coffin is for my wife."

What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second coffin?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.

Then the first one asks in excitement "Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied "Join the queue."

Smokers' Dream

2008-05-29T11:11:00.001+08:00

Yeah, dream on fellas!!!!

Everyone has a wildest dream, what's yours?

Math of Life

2008-05-29T11:01:00.001+08:00

Do you know that our lives are surrounded by mathematical equations? Well...maybe you should take a look at these and decide for yourself whether they all ring true :)

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION T! ECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Comedy Court video - Family Tree

2008-05-14T11:30:00.002+08:00

This video is quite old (before election), but still many people don't realize some of the facts humoured in this video. thumbs up for Comedy Court. so, you can still enjoy them :)

ComedyCourt video - Why MCA?

2008-05-14T11:27:00.002+08:00

Another nice one from Comedy Court. WHy MCA?? (and WHY UMNO?? + WHY MIC?? + WHY BN??)...just enjoy!

ComedyCourt video - Goodbye Sam

2008-05-14T11:19:00.002+08:00

Here's some video from comedy court just to refresh our memory of the last election. Goodbye Sam is dedicated (or parodied) to the unseated former minister of works. Enjoy!

I have learned

2008-05-07T11:40:00.003+08:00

I've learned....
that the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.

I've learned....
that when you're in love,
it shows.

I've learned....
that just one person saying to me, "You've made my day!" makes my day.

I've learned....
that having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.

I've learned....
that being kind is more important than being right.

I've learned....
that you should never say no to a gift from a child.

I've learned....
that I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.

I've learned....
that no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.

I've learned....
that sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold
and a heart to understand.

I've learned....
that we should be glad God doesn't give us
everything we ask for.

I've learned....
that money doesn't buy class.

I've learned....
that it's those small daily happenings
that make life so spectacular.

I've learned....
that under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.

I've learned....
that to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

I've learned....
that when you plan to get even with someone,
you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.

I've learned....
that love, not time, heals all wounds.

I've learned....
that the easiest way for me to grow as a person
is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.

I've learned....
that everyone you meet deserves
to be greeted with a smile.

I've learned....
that no one is perfect
until you fall in love with them.

I've learned....
that life is tough, but I'm tougher.

I've learned....
that opportunities are never lost;
someone will take the ones you miss.

I've learned....
that when you harbor bitterness,
happiness will dock elsewhere.

I've learned....
that one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.

I've learned....
that a smile is an inexpensive way
to improve your looks.

I've learned....
that I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it.

I've learned....
that everyone wants to live on top of the mountain,
but all the happiness and growth occurs
while you're climbing it.

I've learned....
that it is best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it is requested and when it is a
life-threatening situation.

I've learned....
that the less time I have to work with,
the more things I get done.

And I've surely learned....
when things go off the wrong way
a little laugh can take me back towards the goal

come laugh with LiFuTuShi...
for laugh is the medicine that you need :)

Lawyer's Cigar - a true story

2008-05-07T11:29:00.001+08:00

This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.
Charlotte, North Carolina.

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars then insured them
against, among other things, fire.Within a month, having smoked his entire
stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the
insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.'

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued.... and WON!

(Stay with me now......... ......... ......... )

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous!!
The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be 'unacceptable fire', and was thus obligated to pay the claim.

So, rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling, and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the 'fires'.

(NOW FOR THE BEST PART........ ....... )

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of 'intentionally burning his insured property' and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

moral of the story - What moral? it's all immoral!!!

Project Baby: How reality goes

2008-05-07T11:19:00.002+08:00

Ever wonder what are the designations and who are the people who held them for any project? Here's a simple analogy. Enjoy!

Project Manager: is a Person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in one month.

Construction Manager: is one who thinks a single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.

Contract Manager: is one who asks if the baby is in the budget (and if it saves money to adopt).

Project Engineer: is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby if no man and woman are available.

Section Engineer: is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a baby.

Design Engineers: are still figuring out how to produce a baby.

Procurement Team: thinks they don't need a man or woman; they'll produce a child with zero resources.

Document Control Team: thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered they'll just document 9 months.

Quality Auditor: is the person who is never happy with the PROCESS to produce a baby.

Site Engineers: don't care...they just want the woman!!!

Client: is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby.

Quantity Surveyor: is the one who wait for the baby to be delivered, so that they can make claim to be its father

Diwali - Funny Malaysian Commercial [part 5]

2008-05-05T14:01:00.001+08:00

Never forget your root. And respect your elders. Enjoy!

BMW Sauber Petronas F1 - Funny Malaysian Commercial [part 4]

2008-05-05T13:59:00.002+08:00

This is what they call synergy. Enjoy!

Kung Fu Master - Malaysian Funny Commercial [part 3]

2008-05-05T13:46:00.002+08:00

So you think you're good at kung fu? See this commercial and you'll know where you actually are. Enjoy!

Malaysian Idol - Funny Malaysian Commercial [part 2]

2008-05-05T13:24:00.001+08:00

This is a video commercial for Malaysian Idol. The song is a parody for YMCA. Enjoy!

Highway Spook - Funny Malaysian Commercial [part 1]

2008-05-05T13:15:00.002+08:00

What would you do if you meet a vampire while driving along the highway? This video might help you. Enjoy!

Newspaper - Funny Japanese Commercial [part 4]

2008-05-05T12:13:00.002+08:00

Get the latest news so your efforts won't go to waste. That's the moral of this commercial. Good one. Enjoy!

TV Station - Funny Japanese Commercial [part 3]

2008-05-05T11:59:00.001+08:00

How far would a TV station go to keep its customer? See the video below

Fart Ringtone - funny Japanese commercial [part 2]

2008-05-05T10:28:00.001+08:00

Never use this ringtone unless you can afford the embarrassment. Check it out!

Learn English - funny Japanese commercial [part 1]

2008-05-02T17:07:00.004+08:00

Learning a new language is never easy. But it's great to have something that can make it easier. Here's a funny Japanese commercial for an multilingual electronic translator. More will come because I got a bunch of them. just need some time to watch them and decide whether they fit into this blog (to eliminate the ones with full/semi nudity, racial jokes etc). For now, enjoy this one!

Work...work...work part 1

2008-04-21T14:39:00.003+08:00

WORK is the word that most of us don't want to hear when we're bored. Unless your're working in a freak circus, work is hard to associate with fun. But here we have some fun work-related pictures. Enjoy!

Looking for a way to eliminate those toilet time? either bring the toilet to your work...

or...

bring your work to the toilet!

Either way you're getting sh** !

because you know it's not easy to get more time :)

some mistakes make you look like a fool...

some just give you more trouble!

some problem can be peed on...

before you get the blue screen of death!

others are just to complicated

Here they come to save the day!!!

2008-04-21T10:24:00.003+08:00

Yay! I'm back after being (physically) away for one long week. And for that, I'm giving you a super treat... err.. I mean superhero jokes. Actually they're not jokes. It was meant to be serious when they published these comics an aeon ago, but from our new millenium eyes, these can mean something else, something funny if you can catch the drift. I gotta to tell you, they are genuine, not photoshop. Enjoy!

If Bush would kill thousands for oil, Superman is generous enough to ask only 5 grands.

You could never be pissed OFF when you are pissed ON.

Maybe Ronny McD would love this kind of fellow...

It's better to be grounded, eh?

All these years being in a dark cave together, poor Robin still couldn't figure it out

Ouch!

Wee Males??? ROFL...

They're all juiced out

Nice teamwork, superdudes!

That's why Spidey can't shoot web from there like the real spiders

China's road

2008-04-11T10:12:00.003+08:00

Look how unique it is when you travel the roads in China. These are things you might encounter :)

This one came straight from Chernobyl

When you have to choose between travelling and resting under the shade...

As long as it still moves...

Haiyya...you also got the same plate number?...four times prosperity meh...

Can't believe it didn't break

Scooter for three...

Bus advertising

2008-04-10T15:57:00.002+08:00

Take a look at these ads on bus... not all of them are funny, but still ther are interesting, worth at least a mention. :)

Would somebody help him please?

He'll never walk four of them at once anymore...

Yo dude! How's the puff nowadays?

Being eaten on the way to work...how sad can it be?

Cheese! You're looking at a tyre!

Hope the driver won't speed up to much, I'm worried about the hand

She's lookingg at you!!!

That's what they call STEELing a kiss

The return of the signs... part 5

2008-04-09T12:15:00.002+08:00

And here's another one...the fifth part. I don't know whether I'll continue with the sixth part, but even if I do, the next one will be something else. I need some buffer so you won't get bored with same type of jokes over and over again. But, enjoy this one first:

Ouch! Don't you guys sue anymore?

Gluttonic haven

I surely don't want urine coming through my door as well

Gulliver?

I guess Woolly is immune, huh?

Oh my God!!! Run! It's the stair!

How do we drive vertically, again?

It's okay, I don't dangle any doll anyway

The return of the signs... part 4

2008-04-09T12:06:00.002+08:00

Yeah...it's the fourth part! Enjoy!

Maybe they performed a thorough lab test before putting up the sign

That will create sensation!

And this will add the sensation up!

Genuine or fake? make up your mind!

No parking. But if you're ignorant, please shut off your engine

No, I'm asking about your street address, not your lunch!

The return of the signs... part 3

2008-04-09T11:58:00.002+08:00

Here comes the third part. enjoy!

American population???

Nice one :)

Remember to bring your gas bag...you might need it

So simple yet accurate

Oh no! Someone give me a pail of white paint coz I need to travel!

And both stink!

The return of the signs... part 2

2008-04-09T11:33:00.003+08:00

Part two...enjoy!

That is bloody far from here, isn't it?

Told you we should stop and ask for directions!

Ram it Rambo!

No monkeying around...especially if your name is Darwin

Mountains, anyone?

That's because we do the REAL works...

The return of the signs... part 1

2008-04-09T10:27:00.004+08:00

Hello, it's been weeks since I last update my blog my something funny. As a compensation, here's some funny adverts (first part). I'll come back with more to make up for those idle days....enjoy!

There will always be someone for everyone....

Talking about being honest...

Maybe one day this will become an official language somewhere...err...sumwhere?

And it really is DANGERouuuuuus

Every big thing started small...

What do you need to go through this road? a tanker?!!