Quotable Quotes....again...

Here's some quotes I found (on the net, of course)... Enjoy!

If time doesn't wait for you, don't worry! Just remove the damn battery from the clock and Enjoy life! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Expecting the world to treat u fairly coz u r a gud person is like expecting the lion not to attack u coz u r a vegetarian. Think about it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Don't walk as if you rule the world, walk as if you don't care who rules the world! That's called Attitude…! Keep on rocking! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Every lady hopes that her daughter will marry a better man than she did and is convinced that her son will never find a wife as good as his father did !!! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man threw his wife in a pond of Crocodiles? He's now being harassed by the Animal Rights Activists for being cruel to the Crocodiles ! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- So many options for suicide: Poison, sleeping pills, hanging, jumping from a building, lying on train tracks, but we chose Marriage, slow & sure! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Only 20 percent boys have brains, rest have girlfriends! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- All desirable things in life are either illegal, banned, expensive or married to someone else! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Laziness is our biggest enemy.We should learn to love our enemies!

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The Trainee

A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.....

On his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone: "Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded: "You fool; you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"

"No" replied the trainee.

"It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!"

The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you IDIOT?"

"No!" replied the Managing Director angrily.

"Thank God!" replied the trainee and put down the phone....

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English All Over the World

I'm not sure whether I've posted this before, and I'm too lazy to check around. So I'll just post it. These are the English signs in different countries all over the world....

Funny Foreign English Phrases

1. Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.


2. At a Budapest zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS.
IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.


3. Doctor's office in Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.


4. Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner. Japan:
COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL
YOURSELF.


5. In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.


6. On the grounds of a Nairobi private school:
NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.


7. In Aamchi Mumbai restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.


8. The best! In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.


9. Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.


10. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS,
ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

11. Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM,
IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.


12. Advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.


13. A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.


14. Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia:
TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.


15. Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?


16. The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.


17. Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.


18. In a Japanese cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

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Shortest Love Story EVER....

ONCE UPON A TIME A GUY ASKED A GIRL
"will you marry me?"
SHE SAID "NO"...........
AND THE GUY LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER.
THE END








I SAID 'THE END'. THE STORY IS OVER. NOW GET YOUR LAZY A** UP AND DO SOME WORK!!!

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Join the queue...

A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A funeral coffin was followed by a second one about 50 feet behind the first. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single file. The man couldn't stand his curiosity.

He respectfully approached the man walking the dog,
"I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single file. Whose funeral is it?"

The man replied, "Well, that first coffin is for my wife."

What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second coffin?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.

Then the first one asks in excitement "Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied "Join the queue."

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Smokers' Dream

Yeah, dream on fellas!!!!























Everyone has a wildest dream, what's yours?

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Math of Life

Do you know that our lives are surrounded by mathematical equations? Well...maybe you should take a look at these and decide for yourself whether they all ring true :)



ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy


OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.


GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.


A successful woman is one who can find such a man.





HAPPINESS


To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.


To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.



LONGEVITY


Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.


PROPENSITY TO CHANGE


A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.




A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.




DISCUSSION T! ECHNIQUE




A woman has the last word in any argument.




Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

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Comedy Court video - Family Tree

This video is quite old (before election), but still many people don't realize some of the facts humoured in this video. thumbs up for Comedy Court. so, you can still enjoy them :)

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ComedyCourt video - Why MCA?

Another nice one from Comedy Court. WHy MCA?? (and WHY UMNO?? + WHY MIC?? + WHY BN??)...just enjoy!

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ComedyCourt video - Goodbye Sam

Here's some video from comedy court just to refresh our memory of the last election. Goodbye Sam is dedicated (or parodied) to the unseated former minister of works. Enjoy!

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I have learned

I've learned....
that the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.

I've learned....
that when you're in love,
it shows.

I've learned....
that just one person saying to me, "You've made my day!" makes my day.


I've learned....
that having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.

I've learned....
that being kind is more important than being right.

I've learned....
that you should never say no to a gift from a child.

I've learned....
that I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.

I've learned....
that no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.

I've learned....
that sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold
and a heart to understand.

I've learned....
that we should be glad God doesn't give us
everything we ask for.

I've learned....
that money doesn't buy class.

I've learned....
that it's those small daily happenings
that make life so spectacular.

I've learned....
that under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.

I've learned....
that to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

I've learned....
that when you plan to get even with someone,
you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.

I've learned....
that love, not time, heals all wounds.

I've learned....
that the easiest way for me to grow as a person
is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.

I've learned....
that everyone you meet deserves
to be greeted with a smile.

I've learned....
that no one is perfect
until you fall in love with them.

I've learned....
that life is tough, but I'm tougher.

I've learned....
that opportunities are never lost;
someone will take the ones you miss.

I've learned....
that when you harbor bitterness,
happiness will dock elsewhere.

I've learned....
that one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.

I've learned....
that a smile is an inexpensive way
to improve your looks.

I've learned....
that I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it.

I've learned....
that everyone wants to live on top of the mountain,
but all the happiness and growth occurs
while you're climbing it.

I've learned....
that it is best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it is requested and when it is a
life-threatening situation.

I've learned....
that the less time I have to work with,
the more things I get done.

And I've surely learned....
when things go off the wrong way
a little laugh can take me back towards the goal

come laugh with LiFuTuShi...
for laugh is the medicine that you need :)

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Lawyer's Cigar - a true story

This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.
Charlotte, North Carolina.

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars then insured them
against, among other things, fire.Within a month, having smoked his entire
stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the
insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.'

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued.... and WON!







(Stay with me now......... ......... ......... )








Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous!!
The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be 'unacceptable fire', and was thus obligated to pay the claim.

So, rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling, and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the 'fires'.








(NOW FOR THE BEST PART........ ....... )









After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of 'intentionally burning his insured property' and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.





moral of the story - What moral? it's all immoral!!!

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Project Baby: How reality goes

Ever wonder what are the designations and who are the people who held them for any project? Here's a simple analogy. Enjoy!


Project Manager: is a Person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in one month.

Construction Manager: is one who thinks a single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.

Contract Manager: is one who asks if the baby is in the budget (and if it saves money to adopt).

Project Engineer: is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby if no man and woman are available.

Section Engineer: is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a baby.

Design Engineers: are still figuring out how to produce a baby.

Procurement Team: thinks they don't need a man or woman; they'll produce a child with zero resources.

Document Control Team: thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered they'll just document 9 months.

Quality Auditor: is the person who is never happy with the PROCESS to produce a baby.

Site Engineers: don't care...they just want the woman!!!

Client: is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby.

Quantity Surveyor: is the one who wait for the baby to be delivered, so that they can make claim to be its father

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Diwali - Funny Malaysian Commercial [part 5]

Never forget your root. And respect your elders. Enjoy!

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BMW Sauber Petronas F1 - Funny Malaysian Commercial [part 4]

This is what they call synergy. Enjoy!

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Kung Fu Master - Malaysian Funny Commercial [part 3]

So you think you're good at kung fu? See this commercial and you'll know where you actually are. Enjoy!

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Malaysian Idol - Funny Malaysian Commercial [part 2]

This is a video commercial for Malaysian Idol. The song is a parody for YMCA. Enjoy!

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Highway Spook - Funny Malaysian Commercial [part 1]

What would you do if you meet a vampire while driving along the highway? This video might help you. Enjoy!

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Newspaper - Funny Japanese Commercial [part 4]

Get the latest news so your efforts won't go to waste. That's the moral of this commercial. Good one. Enjoy!

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TV Station - Funny Japanese Commercial [part 3]

How far would a TV station go to keep its customer? See the video below

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Fart Ringtone - funny Japanese commercial [part 2]

Never use this ringtone unless you can afford the embarrassment. Check it out!

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Learn English - funny Japanese commercial [part 1]

Learning a new language is never easy. But it's great to have something that can make it easier. Here's a funny Japanese commercial for an multilingual electronic translator. More will come because I got a bunch of them. just need some time to watch them and decide whether they fit into this blog (to eliminate the ones with full/semi nudity, racial jokes etc). For now, enjoy this one!

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